1. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent. (Reddit)
2. My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore. (Reddit)
3. I sympathize with batteries...
I’m never included in anything either. (Reddit)
4. Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it's Pharaoh Roche. (Reddit)
5. What did the priest shout at the salad bar?
LETTUCE PRAY! (Reddit)
6. People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."
Their words not mine. (Reddit)
7. My son's math teacher called him average.
I think he's mean. (Reddit)
8. You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water.
If they float, they're boy ant. (Reddit)
9. Why was the broom late?
It overswept! (Twitter)
10. Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work. (Reddit)
11. Why are there fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in. (Reddit)
12. What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?
JK, Rolling. (Reddit)
13. I know somebody who talks like an owl.
CHECKMATE MOTHERFUCKER (Reddit)
14. What’s a ghost's favorite fruit?
15. What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback. (Reddit)
16. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver...
Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile. (Reddit)
17. Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “the end is near!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon. (Reddit)
18. “Hey dad have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?” (Reddit)
19. Sex is like a card game...
if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. (Reddit)
20. What washes up on tiny beaches?
21. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel! (Reddit)
22. What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you...
A pool table. (Reddit)
23. What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park your car, man! (Reddit)
24. Do you know how to make holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it!
25. What did sushi A say to sushi B?
26. What do you call a programmer with a cold?
27. Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was assaulted.
28. What's Forrest Gump's password?
29. How does an octopus go to war?
30. Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was out standing in his field.
31. What did the triangle say to the circle?
Your life has no point!