1. First of all, cake is better.
Cake is better than sex because I can remember the last time I had cake.
2. It's kinda like your laundry detergent.
Wow describes me perfectly
3. Wait, better yet, it's kinda like Mario Cart.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
4. Actually, um, I think it's more like pizza.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
5. It usually gets better in the summer.
6. Women should be careful about where their masturbation might lead.
yeah that's why I do it so much
7. Birth control changes things.
8. And "oral" isn't what you think it is.
is oral sex where you just talk about it
9. "Going deep" is a "state of mind."
*in the middle of sex "Go deeper" Okay *pulls out* *sits in a chair and sips coffee* *opens poetry book* Two roads diverged in a wood and I-
10. People are always talking trash about it.
I just know Forever 21 is going to put this on a hoodie
Thankfully, pizza is pretty much forever.
11. Nipples are not the same for everyone.
Men, stop feeling ashamed that your nipples are useless! You still have value in many ways
12. A tale as old as time: "Masculinity so fragile."
it's hard to choose, but this is probably my favorite from milk and honey
13. Remember to take notes, when you can.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
14. And don't forget to bring the Netflix with the "chill."
Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
15. Contrary to popular belief, non-virgins can fly Virgin Airlines.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket} "Can I buy one even if I've done sex?" Um. Yes sir "Cause I have" Okay "I've done all of it" Please go
16. Also, just because you bang you don't have to accept fake friendships.
*has sex with you* *declines your FB friend request*
17. The next time you think about sending that naughty pic, try this instead.
Instead of sending Dick Pics, reconsider and send a Dik dik Pic instead
18. And finally, avoid country music stars at all costs.
when two country music stars have sex they morph into a ford f-150