34 Sex Lessons Women Wish They'd Learned When They Were Younger
"I wish I knew I wasn't a 'bad girl' for having sexual thoughts and desires."
1. "You shouldn't feel ashamed of what you find pleasure in. I spent way too much time feeling ashamed, and not enough time enjoying myself and my partner."
2. "Your first time having sex is not guaranteed to hurt — for some it does, and for others it doesn't. I went through my life being afraid of my first time because I was told it would hurt so bad — I was expecting it. It ended up not being painful at all, and I was confused. I learned it doesn't hurt for everyone, and I wish I knew that so I wasn't so freaked out about it."
3. "Communicate! Don't be afraid to take your partner by the hand and show them how you like it — no one knows how to get you off better than you do. I think too many people are either too shy to talk about it or too worried they'll offend their partner. Neither of these should impede you because if the sex isn't that great now, imagine a monogamous relationship with years of it."
4. "That even very good sex is often actually laugh-out-loud funny and awkward. Sex is just sex. It can be romantic and heart-stopping and incredibly physically enjoyable with someone who pushes all of the right buttons for you at that moment. And even with the best of intentions, it can also be a bit silly and laugh-inducing."
5. "If you did something once with a previous partner and enjoyed it, it doesn't always mean you'll like it with the next partner you have."
6. "Just because you aren't both moaning like in a porno doesn't mean the sex is bad (sometimes it's so good, it's hard to make a sound). Orgasms feel different depending on so many factors — don't focus so much on trying to have an orgasm, and actually enjoy the sex!"
7. "Don't make sacrifices for your male partner unless it gives you pleasure too. Anal sex, deep-throating, and hard choking can be fun for certain women, but if you aren't that woman, don't pretend or force yourself out of your comfort zone. The number of times I've tried anal for people...smh...you're probably not going to suddenly enjoy something the 20th time around."
8. "ALWAYS PEE AFTER SEX — ALWAYS. DO NOT WAIT. DO NOT CUDDLE. GO PEE. I so wish I was told that — I lived for a year with a UTI without knowing what was wrong with me."
9. "Your cervix changes position based on where you are in your cycle. Doggy style and deep thrusts can feel good one week and hurt like a mother the next. This is perfectly normal and should not cause alarm."
10. "If you have a partner who is confident in their ability to get you off by penis in vagina alone but it's not happening, take matters into your own hands. Literally! I stuck around with an ex who was totally offended by the idea of me getting myself off if he was unable to do it himself."
11. "For a lot of people, sex is very emotional, and if that's the case for you, you just need to be careful about how far you go and with whom. I'd also say you need to be aware of that in your partners, too. While you aren't responsible for someone else's emotions, it's important to pay attention to how vulnerable your partner is."
12. "Different positions feel better with different men. I thought I had a favorite position, but different penises worked better in different positions."
13. "Prioritize your own orgasm before and during the act, and make it clear to your sexual partners: 'I'm about getting mine as well, so if you're not up for it, this isn't happening.' Sex makes so much more sense and becomes so much more enjoyable when your male partner actually gets you to come — wow, who knew!"
14. "Toys and experimentation are not a bad thing. I think some people view toys as such a taboo, almost as if toys are for people who can't keep up or are boring, when in reality, it's the opposite. Toys can really be so much fun, and everyone should at least try them to add some new dynamic to the bedroom."
15. "Faking it will not make bad sex any better. If you avoid discussing what is or isn't working for you, it might make things worse — exaggerating your moans as a way to communicate doesn't work. Be an active participant and don't just expect your male partner to know what to do. Every woman is different, so he may be trying things that worked before with someone else but don't work for you."
16. "I wish I had gotten accurate information about STDs and pregnancy instead of scare tactics and faulty statistics in sex ed."
17. "Semen allergies are a real thing. I'm only mildly allergic to my current significant other. (With my ex it was so, so bad — we always used condoms, but blowjobs made my mouth and throat BURN. The one time we had an accident, I couldn't stop crying from the pain.) I always peed after and washed myself with warm water — my ex, my current S.O., and I never had any kind of STI. I was scared, but I've been tested many times, and my gynecologist agrees it's an allergy."
18. "Shop around for birth control, and don't settle for the first one you get — try a bunch until you find one that suits you best."
19. "Just because you're young and you need to use lube doesn't mean something is wrong with you."
20. "I used to get embarrassed about queefing during sex, and now I either just laugh or ignore it totally because I'm too into the moment. Sex sounds in general took me a while to get used to, but now it's just a kind of atmospheric 'Fuck yeah, we're having sex!' thing that gets me into it even more. My guy loves it when I laugh while he's inside me (apparently it feels good to him), so bonus points there."
21. "Sex gets better as you get older. I'm 33 now, and sex is much more enjoyable (and it's not a partner thing — it's totally my body)."
22. "I didn't know about squeezing while having a penis inside me. I had discovered Kegel exercises a relatively short amount of time before becoming sexually active, but I didn't know that this was a thing I could do during sex because I'd never heard of it. I flexed once briefly during my first time and he didn't seem to notice (neither did the second guy), so I just assumed they couldn't feel it. Six years after I started having sex and a few months into my current relationship, I asked my boyfriend if he could feel it, and he was shocked that I'd never heard of this phenomenon before. It apparently makes sex so much better for both male and female parties involved — I've discovered that I generally can't orgasm unless I'm squeezing."
23. "I was raised in an extreeeeemely conservative Southern household. I was shamed for showing any interest in my body at all, never mind grasping how a man's body looked or worked. I wish I had had modern sex ed instead of the stupid abstinence sex ed. With all that out of the way, I feel like at least I wouldn't have been terrified of asking my first partner a question, or at least stating my preferences."
24. "Any man who has a problem with pubic hair is a fuckboi. If my landing strip or however much hair I am rocking at the time is a problem, you probably aren't the type of guy I want to be having sex with."
25. "Semen will come back out of your vagina — sometimes hours later, and sometimes even a day later."
26. "The first time I encountered a penis, I was surprised at the texture of it because I assumed it would be like a solid 'stick' (like a finger). I didn't expect the skin to move, but it made sense in a motion kind of way."
27. "That sex with a long-term partner does not have to be tit for tat (i.e., I do this for you, so you do the same for me). It's totally okay to take a day here and there to focus on only one person."
28. "I thought I had to be thin to enjoy certain positions or acts until my partner reached around and hugged me tight, tickling my clitoris. He also took the initiative and put a pillow under my butt to enjoy a deep missionary position — he was a sex god, and I thought I was the experienced one."
29. "Having your butt slapped feels good because the nerves on your butt connect to your groin. So if your partner slaps it until it's sensitive and then lightly scratches it with their fingernails, it's magical. I've orgasmed from that alone."
30. "I wish I learned how to say, 'Nah, I don't really want to fuck you' and not care about how my partner felt about it. I think women get pretty conditioned early on to make people feel happy, and then feel like crap if we aren't successful."
31. "If you wait until sex hurts to use lube, then it's too late for it to have any kind of effect. The soreness and irritation will probably last you a few days."
32. "Try things you enjoy, and move so it feels good for you. Worry about yourself first and what feels good for you, too, rather than your male partner first."
33. "I am allowed to expect an orgasm, and I deserve a partner who tries to satisfy me."
34. And this: "I wish I had known that it was perfectly 'normal' and healthy for a woman to want and enjoy sex. I wish I had known that I wasn't a 'bad girl' or 'loose woman' or whatever for having sexual thoughts and desires. Other than that, the learning of sexual techniques and behaviors was actually pretty fun. I wouldn't have wanted to start off knowing it all, but it would've been a lot better if I had known from the start that I'm not morally inferior or ruined or wicked for having a healthy libido."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.