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1. A minimal, straight-to-the-point mug for anyone who finds it important to cite their sources.
Get it from Jet for $7.93+ (available in two sizes).
2. A leopard print elephant G-string with a very stretchy trunk to fully accommodate your junk.
Get it from Amazon for $6.59.
3. A plush ovary that'll have you fallo-peein' yourself with laughter.
This egg-cellent friend's tag has a bunch of interesting facts about ovaries, so she's educational too!
Promising review: "I had an ovary removed not long ago. I brought this plush to the hospital and said, 'Look, I have a replacement!' The doctor was laughing nervously." —Catherine B.
Get it from Amazon for $22.99.
4. And (speaking of ovaries) Cards Against Humanity's bloody hilarious period-themed expansion pack to ~pad~ the fan-favorite raunchy card game with time-of-the-month jokes that'll have you LOLing menstru-all night long.
Promising review: "Listen up, I don't write many reviews, but this bad boy is fricking Buzz Lightyear — it went so far above and beyond. Not only were the cards hilarious, but the damn pack comes wrapped inside a pad with a little heart-shaped chocolate. I was laughing for five minutes at the packaging alone." —Kessa Rigali-Bishop
Get it from Amazon for $7.
5. Jizz the Game, a raunchy roulette-style game that's a total blast (literally). Who knows — you and your friends just might get a-dick-ted.
Yes, this is a real game. You spin the dials on the balls to determine how many pumps each player has to do, and to what part of their body they have to aim the game piece if they end up being the unlucky recipient of the load. You can fill the game with any liquid, so uh, do with that what you will. Just remember it might end up all over you, so cum on, don't get cocky.
Get it from Firebox for $25.99.
6. An OMG-worthy animated animal hat ear to provide endless entertainment.
You just squeeze the little paws on the end of the strings to make the ears flop up and down! Trust me, it's one of the most satisfying things ever, and all of my coworkers were LOLing. If you just let the GIF above play on repeat all day, you might get a more accurate sense of how much time I spent playing with it.
Get it from Firebox for $37.99 (available in three animals).
7. Does It Fart?: The Definitive Field Guide to Animal Flatulence, a tome full of scientific analysis and exploration of that very important question among tons of different species.
Promising review: "This was a gift I gave my 45-year-old son! Yes, they never leave the fart phase. ;) But this book is actually filled with very interesting info — there's lots of science written in an entertaining fashion, and the simple illustrations fit perfectly. I'll admit that I read it before giving it to my son. He will now be the most popular teacher on his high school campus because hey, who else knows that sloths don't fart? LOL! If you're looking for something different for a gift, consider this. I think I'm going to order another one!" —Maryann Watkins
Get it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble for $9.99+, from a local bookseller through Indiebound, or from your local library.
8. A set of phallic lipsticks that are also waterproof and prettily pigmented, so you'll love 'em even if you're a little bit vein.
9. A pair of giant adhesive googly eyes so you can bring pretty much anything to life. I can't for the life of me tell you why I find the personified bush below so funny, but I do.
Promising review: "These are awesome! I bought them along with a giant mustache to decorate an unsightly file cabinet that was placed in front of my desk at the office. They make everyone smile when they walk by, and they also serve as an early warning for earthquakes. It was a little tricky to remove the backing to stick them on the cabinet, but once I got it started they were easy to apply and have stayed on with no issues." —S. Freeman
Get them from Amazon for $9.99.
10. A squirrel in underpants air freshener that smells like pine, because that is much more pleasant than what actual squirrel undergarments would probably smell like.
He needs a place to put his nuts!
Promising review: "The scent isn't particularly strong or special, but man is this thing cute. I bought it as a Father's Day gift for my husband from one of the dogs. 'Where do you find this s%&t?' he asked, giggling like a wee school lass." —Niki GD
Get it from Amazon for $6.99.
11. Punny postcards featuring everyone's favorite Potions Master, because the only thing better than a pun is a Snape pun.
Get a pack of seven (the most powerful magical number, naturally) from KatieAbeyDesign on Etsy for $4.58.
12. The Cat Dancer, a super-simple wire toy that's the under-$2 way to get your cat to perform the most hilarious antics of their nine lives.
Honestly, I could spend all day LOLing at the review photos.
Promising review: "I have a whole room filled with cat toys that my cat is not interested in. It's funny how the least expensive cat toy I have makes him go crazy. He plays with this until he's panting like a dog and I've never seen him jump so high. I'm certain this toy will help him lose his belly. He loves it! I highly recommend it!" —Kwoo
Get it from Amazon for $1.78.
14. An insulated lunch bag that'll basically GUARANTEE no one will want to steal your lunch. If someone does, then you have bigger problems, because someone in your office might be a cannibal.
15. An instantly downloadable cross stitch template featuring a couple sweary pigeons who are as adorable as they are menacing.
Get it from JacktheStitcher on Etsy for $5.
16. A glorious Jeff Goldblum shower curtain that may make guests want to linger in your water closet so they can stare into those enchanting brown eyes.
17. Or a Nicholas Cage mermaid pillowcase covered in sequins that, like the Declaration of Independence, hold a hidden secret on the other side.
Promising review: "I was so happy to find this pillow cover! It arrived in great condition. The sequins change from a beautiful red to the Nicholas Cage face and it makes me smile every time. It’s even comfortable enough to sleep on, and the back cover is very soft as well. Great purchase!" —Laura M
Get it from Amazon for $13.89 (available in 23 colors and designs, which, yes, also include Jeff Goldblum versions). Get an insert to fill it with here.
18. A Donald Trump pet toy so your furry friend can take out their political rage in a healthy manner and you can watch them, which is much more fun and less upsetting than watching the news.
Above is my cousins' mini Labradoodle, Ziggy, who I believe is a proud feminist and would-be activist if he had opposable thumbs to hold a sign, and who I know is a big fan of these toys. He's on his second one, after thoroughly destroying the first, as you can see in the last pic.
Promising review: "Excellent toy! It's well-made. It has taken my dog months of abuse to finally rip the stuffing out, but he still loves it. And it makes me ridiculously happy to watch the carnage!! I’m buying another one for his stocking so my pup can continue the abuse and I can continue smiling through the pain." —Steph
Get the small dog version on Amazon for $13.99, the regular size from Fuzzu for $19.99, or the cat toy version from Fuzzu for $9.99 or Amazon for $14.45.
19. A Llol-worthy tee to help you take a chance, finally face your Waterloo, kiss the teacher, be the winner who takes it all, find a man after midnight, and llay all your llove on me.
Get it from Human for $22.99 (available in sizes S-3X, four tee styles, and 11 colors). This ABBA-solutely llama-zing design is also available on a kid's tee, baby onesie, baseball tee, sweatshirt, hoodie, racerback tank, tank top, or V-neck tee.
20. An evil kermit pin your inner self is begging you to buy.
21. Or an evil Patrick tee if you prefer your memes in shirt form.
Get it from Hot Topic for $20.90 (avaiable in sizes XS-XL).
22. An adorable razor holder I mustache that you purchase for your bathroom ASAP.
23. A whimsical nose pencil sharpener it won't be rude stick pencils in during class.
Get it from Amazon for $2.68.
24. Sassy socks available in tons of cheeky designs that'll make you smile all day.
Promising review: "I purchased these for my 95-year-old grandma for Mother's Day. Purple is her favorite color and sh!t is her favorite word. These were perfect! She put them on right away and wore them out to dinner :). Her smile says it all!" —KrisMV
Get them from Amazon for $5.49+ (available in 53 designs).
25. A gloriously geeky bottle of "You Smell Nothing, Jon Snow," toilet spray you can use when you feel that a rather odiferous bowel movement, not just winter, is coming.
Yes, it's an LOL-worthy gag, but it's practical too — it'll help the next person to use the bathroom not gag at the residual smell! All they have to do is spray the toilet water a few times before they go.
Get it from VictoryScreechLabs on Etsy for $12.
26. A pickle-picking-up gadget that I had no idea existed, but I'm brine with the fact that it does.
Promising review: "I love this item! It's very sturdy and long enough to get into regular store-bought jars. It's MUCH easier than trying to use a fork to pierce the food, as this tool grabs instead of pierces, making it a great no-fuss-no-muss tool. It can be used for pickles and cherries, and I've used it for hot dogs too (long story, suffice it to say that I hate getting the juice of anything on my hands). I can't believe I went this long without one of these in my kitchen." —Lisa Caroline
Get it from Amazon for $6.
27. And an eyemask for anyone who thought about becoming a platinum-selling musician and producer, but then decided to just take a nap instead.
Get it from Forever 21 for $9.90.
Want more LOL-worthy goodies? Check out one of these lists:
29 Products That Are Kinda Crude, Dude
36 Strange Gifts That'll Make Them Say, "This Is So Weird, I Love It!"
Live footage of me and also you rn, probably:
The reviews used in this post have been edited for length and clarity.
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