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The 50 Worst Things On The Internet In 2015
We're so, so sorry.
1. The atheist grandson who doesn't want to say grace at Thanksgiving.
2. This egg-laying "ovipositor" dildo that lays an egg inside the orfice of your choice.
5. This deep-throating anthem.
7. This video of shirtless British guys in an alleyway.
9. This dude who turned his own face into a bong.
10. These Minion dildos.
12. This couple's Minions-themed wedding.
13. This crowdfunding campaign.
14. This furry in a Confederate flag fur suit.
15. Sonic the Hedgehog remembering 9/11.
16. This Meninist promprosal.
18. The mom who was willing to just wash off the Thanksgiving turkey after the dog humped it.
19. The time that someone put porn on the speakers in a Target.
21. This drunk UConn student who got kicked out of the food hall for screaming when he wasn't served mac 'n cheese.
22. This Confederate brony.
23. This white kid's cover of "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap.
24. The person who forgot to turn the flash off on this creepshot of actress Chloë Moretz.
26. The song "Drill Time" by Slim Jesus.
27. The Kawaii Donald Trump Tumblr.
29. This "Today I Fucked Up" story on Reddit about a guy who lost his erection while losing his virginity because his girlfriend made Shrek jokes.
So this happened a little under two months ago, but I felt as if this had to be shared because it was extremely traumatizing.
So my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time, and it involved really good foreplay and cuddling and whatnot. With me, when it comes to a new person for the first time, my nerves can get the best of me and sometimes I suffer from performance anxiety when it comes to first times with others, so during sex I had a hard time keeping it up (my penis that is) simply because of the nerves I was experiencing. My girlfriend understood completely and we decided to take a break and try again in maybe 30 minutes.
So when we finally got into it again, it was much better. We were really going at it missionary style when she says to me, "when you cum just pull out and do it on my stomach." That was fine with me, so I kept going until 15 seconds later she said, "Yeah. Better out than in I always say." At that moment I exploded. I laughed so fucking hard and my erection disappeared faster than most things possibly can. I was on her bed with my limp dick in her and I was losing it. Needless to say, sexy time went unfinished that night, and that was that. Thankfully, she found it really funny too, and takes some of the blame for it. Shrek is love, shrek is life.
TL;DR - Having sex with girlfriend for first time, she makes shrek joke, I laugh so hard I lose my erection, sex over.