Of all the surprising things one learns about human nature by spending a lot of time on 4chan, Reddit, and other internet forums frequented by young men, the thing that has truly astounded me is the prevalence of the practice of keeping some sort of receptacle or vessel for one's semen. I would have thought this was something only the truly weird and depraved would do, yet whenever the subject comes up, people come out of the woodwork to admit they do the same.
The two most famous cases of semen hoarding gone awry were not shocking to the internet because of the mere fact of routine sperm collection, but because of the eventual fate that befell them.
In the case of the infamous "cumbox" of Reddit (a young man posted photos of the shoe box he had been ejaculating into for years), it was exceptional because in a fit of embarrassment, he unsuccessfully attempted to light the box on fire, and then later mold grew in it. Similarly, the "brony cum jar" was interesting because it had been sitting on a radiator and nearly boiled the My Little Pony figurine that was inside the jar, up to its wee neck in brony jizz.
I suppose my fellow women and non-semen-makers might roll their eyes in disgust at these young men who keep one old sock or towel around to jizz into for weeks or years on end. But we ladies are steeped in the privilege of never having to worry about what to do with approximately a teaspoon of fluid every time we crank off. We can't understand the struggles of these young men and the hardships their penises endure.
But other than general disgust, a new reason NOT to keep your old cumrags lying around (just use a tissue for god's sake, and throw it out) has emerged.
On the illustrious /misc section of BodyBuilding.com (which is the equivalent of 4chan's /b board, but for jocks) user MajorCojones writes:
so apparently ants thrive on cum?
i just finished a glorious fap session when i run to my clean up(an old sock, ill use the same one for like a week or so n throw it out.....it just looks weird havving a box o kleenex next to the bedstand lol)......im still reveling in the ephoria of my man-burst.....when i feel a prickly feeling all over my dick...i look down and see it covered in tiny black spots......n there moving!
i panicked and frantically wiped my dick down and sprayed that sock with raid
i dont think one of the lil buggers bit me tho
cool story bro and good times
Over on Reddit, a similar story appears. A young woman posted a photo of the towel her boyfriend uses as a jizzrag (he does not wash it enough). It's covered in ants:
Another Redditor shared this story:
It's clear that ants crave cum. But why? According to Mark E. Moffett, a research associate at the Smithsonian Institution who specializes in ants, explained it quite simply. "All I can say is that protein and fats from any source can be tasty!" he told BuzzFeed News.
There you have it. Don't ignore science. Do not jizz in an old sock and not wash it. You will get ants.
Thanks to Melvin Kim for the tip.
The typical volume of semen per ejaculation is around 1 teaspoon (1.5 milliliters to 5.0 milliliters, according to Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, a clinical professor of urology at Harvard Medical School). An earlier version of this post said it was 2 tablespoons. Thanks to @hermit_thrush_ on Twitter who was able to use his knowledge as a human who has made semen — and as a seasoned baker who knows the big difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon — for catching this error.
Katie Notopoulos is a senior editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Notopoulos writes about tech and internet culture is cohost of the Internet Explorer podcast.
Contact Katie Notopoulos at email@example.com.
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