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    Posted on Apr 18, 2013

    How To Survive Your Friends' Impending Babyapocalypse

    The rumblings start on Facebook, and next thing you know it's a full on baby boom.

    You're starting to see sickenly cutesy things like this in your Facebook feed

    *exaggerated eyeroll*

    And so you pretty much feel like:

    SO. OLD.

    They'll probably post pregancy portraits on Facebook. It is your duty to "like" it and not laugh.

    Do not smirk. Straight face.

    No matter what, you must hit that "like" button.

    I know the popped out bellybutton thing is freaky. But you need to stay strong.

    All of a sudden your friend will have weird dietary restrictions you never even knew about

    NO SOFT CHEESES??? NO FRESH SQUEEZE JUICE??? What nightmarish hellscape is this???

    When they post incomprensible sonograms, do NOT mention anything about seeing the baby's penis

    How the heck does anyone understand where the baby is? Who actually can read these other than doctors?

    And if they post something that is WAY too much information, you cannot complain.

    I know. I know. Deep breaths. But just ignore it.

    A word of advice: if you think you ever want to have kids, do NOT allow them to tell you about any of the gross body stuff because it will scare the hell out of you

    Never EVER Google "mucous plug".

    When they ask if you want to hold the baby, you have no idea what the hell you're doing

    Jim Bourg (GERMANY) / Reuters

    Don't worry, if you're reading this, I can pretty much guarantee you were dropped at least a few times, and you made it.

    You're afraid you're going to break it or do something stupid

    Ok, actually don't do this.

    When they start breastfeeding in front of you, you're like "be cool be cool be cool be cool don't look don't look don't look at the boob be cool this is totally cool"

    Assuming you're a well-reasoned modern human, you know that breastfeeding is a beautiful natural thing that shouldn't be taboo at all. But you can't help that you feel just a little weird at seeing your friend's boob (especially for guys), but you don't want to let it show.

    But here's the secret: you need to just chill, because babies are pretty cute

    They're basically just tiny idiot humans

    Look at this little dummy! He doesn't know how to get the spoon! What a rube!

    They're amused by pretty much anything

    Just wait till this kid gets a load of the peekaboo game.

    They don't really do much, but sometimes they're kinda funny

    I can't explain this. I don't think normal babies do this. But honestly, who the hell knows.

    And don't worry, your friends will still be your friends even with their kids

    Don't worry. You have about 2 years before you say swear words in front of the kids when you're hanging out with your friend.

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