You've been hearing people talk about "Cyber Monday" and you're confused.
You might be feeling shame and self-loathing because you don't know how to cyber.
Don't worry, I'm here as your Cyber Guide.
First of all, THIS IS NOT A GAME.
Second, get to a secure cybering location.
Now apply your Cyber Monday equipment to your human body.
You are about to cross the cyber rubicon; you cannot return.
Allow your mind to enter cyberspace.
Do you see the deals? Reach for the deals. There are many great Cyber Monday deals.
You may feel your mind expanding.
In cyberspace, no one can hear you shop 'til you drop.
Deals! Do you see the DEALS? There are deals on consumer electronics. Can you see them?
Break free from the chains of the IRL world, with its "stores" and "checkout lines" and "cashiers."
Today, on this Monday, you are reborn as a Cyber Shopper.
You are AWARE now. Finally, you're awake.
Let your fingers guide you through your favorite e-commerce sites.
Do you feel it? We are connected. We now shop as one, getting up to 30% off our favorite holiday gifts.
Just remember to have
Congratulations, I am so proud of you. You have become a
Katie Notopoulos is a senior editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Notopoulos writes about tech and internet culture is cohost of the Internet Explorer podcast.
Contact Katie Notopoulos at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Got a confidential tip? Submit it here.