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Pastry Week 2016: Crisp Like Autumn, Flaky Like #Brangelina.

Too soon?

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1. Pastry week. I love a pastry. I think perhaps if I could eat anything for the rest of my life without becoming dangerously obese it'd be pastry.

2. Or chocolate.

3. Also stuffing.

4. Anyway.

5. Val's right, she's got SO much to do and share! Never leave, Val.

6. Even if Val does go at some point, which I find hard to imagine because she's so organised and put together, couldn't she just stay and sit in the corner?

7. Even the illustrations are making me hungry. Just get me to France, now.

8. Who am I kidding? Get me to the Sainsbury's bargain bucket apple puffs job done.


10. Rav creeping up to Jane to see how she's getting on is like that annoying kid you sat next to at school who was constantly like 'what have you put for question 3?' (Not you, Becky. I know you'll read this and kick off if I don't say that.)

11. Val's pastries sponsored by Oral B.

12. Every time Tom makes something not shaped like genitalia I get more and more disappointed.

13. This episode has been pleasingly rife with innuendo so far, with particular reference to the use of the term 'bashing'.

14. I've just worked out what's been holding me back from consistent baking success. A tea towel slung over one shoulder. I'd be infinitely more professional with a tea towel slung over one shoulder.

15. Sorry Selasi you used fresh pineapple and that gives me mouth ulcers so I'm afraid things just aren't going to work out between us.

16. Mel making a stealthy escape with that stack of savoury puffs is the spitting image of my boyfriend when the deli counter's doing cheese samples.

17. Oh god now he's shouting 'HOW CAN THERE BE NO CHERRY' something's obviously kicking off.

18. Did Paul just call Mary 'Bezza'?

19. Did Bezza just call Paul fat?!

20. Bit shady in this judges' tent.

21. Val casually churning out a bakewell tart every week. How does she fit that in around her fitness freak lifestyle?

22. Frangipan is without a doubt my favourite word.

23. Andrew, you were doing a cracking job of proving yourself as a reputable engineer until you forgot to turn your oven on. I shall now make a mental note never to get on a plane made by Andrew. He will have no doubt forgotten to build one of the wings.

24. One every week eh Val? Did you mean actually not that often at all? Don't worry, it's an easy mistake to make.

25. Okay enough about Mary's soggy bottom guys I'm feeling uncomfortable.

26. Val is so perky about her incompetence and lack of preparation it's just so hard not to root for her.

27. Snaps for Mel keeping that cute/absurd white hat on throughout the duration of the history segment.

28. I wish I'd thought to turn this episode into an innuendo based drinking game. If I wasn't drunk already Candice advising everyone to give their sausage a squeeze may have just put me in a coma.

29. Mary handling the size of that sausage like an absolute trooper.

30. At that point if I was her I would've said 'seen bigger' and if she wasn't a national treasure already she'd basically deserve a damehood after that.

31. Has anyone seen Big Cook Little Cook? Is Andrew one of them? Big Cook Little Cook can be interchanged with any familiar children's entertainer.

32. Didn't anticipate your tiny KKK hats not fitting in did you Jane?

33. Val is literally a hot mess.

34. Her bench looks like a post-apocalyptic world in which only flour survives.

35. I always thought plantain was what like small sharks and other water dwellers eat? Is it not?

36. Wait that might be plankton.

37. *slings tea towel over shoulder. Salvages situation with immediate effect *

38. 'That's just the sort of surprise I like before a meal.' Whenever's best for you Mezza. No judging here.

39. I know what Mel's going to say and I am full of dread.


41. Oh my god her speech.

42. That kind of motivation blows 'we will fight on the beaches' right out of the water.

43. In fact, Val for prime minister?

44. Val for president?!

45. VAL4LYF.

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