1. Having had a week off from Bake Off narration I'm fresh faced and ready to take on dessert week, despite being extremely late to the party with it.
2. As we sat around last week lamenting Mary leaving but Paul being unable to dislodge the pound signs from his eyeballs, my boyfriend suddenly added to the bad news by announcing that Quality Street are getting rid of their toffee one. Literally could this year get any worse? Brexit. Breadxit. Maryxit. Toffexit. Paulmain.
3. 'Quality Street removes one of its oldest sweets after customers complain there are too many toffees'. Who? Who has complained? Quality Street is mainly bought by old people and they love toffees!
4. Oh but I suppose dentures.
5. Apparently it's being replaced with a honeycomb one and I love bees so that's okay.
6. Anyway, the technical challenge this week is all about the nuts. Right up Tom's street. He's probably shaved especially for the occasion.
7. His face. Shaved his face. Obviously.
8. I'm sure I was disappointed about Rav going last week but I can't really remember tbh. I hate to say it but this series just hasn't grabbed me. Maybe it's cos of the Bake Off's imminent, tragic demise.
9. Turns out boyfriend thought Andrew was Liverpudlian which made me incredulous because I feel like if Northern Ireland was a person it'd be Andrew.
10. Paul boasting about his big old gob. Big enough presumably to feed his big old ego.
11. Mary slyly lighting up at Tom's millionaire roulades thinking oh perfect for me because I'm a millionaire.
12. Nice that Benjamina is basing her roulade on previous holidays she's had. I'd do that if I knew how to portray being so hungover you can't see in the form of a rolled up sponge.
13. Candice that crowd pleasing roulade is hardly gonna feed an entire crowd is it?
14. Unless of course you know Jesus, in which case I'm sure you'll make it work.
15. Tom's wind up fan is goals, but if he runs out of time he can only blame himself for having to boost its power manually every 20 seconds.
16. The judges saying "that's interesting" is just like when someone tells you something that sounds like the worst idea you've ever heard but to be polite you have to be like "oh Kim how interesting that you're going to call your baby North West she'll be half of a compass with a natural affinity for orienteering, what a little darling".
17. Bet Selasi's served his on a framed picture of Benjamina, there's definitely something going on there. Earlier she licked his spoon.
18. I've got nothing to say about this dakwoiz* (*unofficial spelling) thing because I'm not sure what it is and also I'm not entirely convinced that its colour scheme is for me.
19. Ooh great, a history segment, I love these.
20. Sue's like "so praline's been in your family for years wealthy man" and here I am lined up to one day inherit mum's childhood teddybear that she called Jesus Smith. How the other half live eh?
21. Andrew's slaying it this week. Liverpool would be proud if he was from there.
22. I might be late watching this episode but somehow I've avoided the result. I reckon Selasi's chill might catch up with him today but the country's not gone into mourning so this makes me think he's still in the competition.
23. Sorry what's hipster about Tom's? Will he be wrapping them in hemp?
24. Janeylocks just dishing up mousse for big bear medium bear average bear small bear and tiny bear.
25. Oh Selasi. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
26. I think we just saw Selasi in full scale panic, i.e moving marginally faster than usual and breathing a bit louder.
27. Why hasn't Mary said layers yet? What's wrong with her? Is she having a stroke?
28. She keeps saying aerated instead which is fine but I'm seeing very distinct layers here.
29. Tom's looks like a platter of prawn sandwiches.
30. I suppose they're hipster in the sense that they look like mousses that would give zero fucks about form but every fuck about nature.
31. No offence to hipsters.
32. Well, some offence.
33. Oooh I really thought that it'd be Selasi who'd go but I suppose then the prawn sarnies happened plus Mezza probably wasn't done swooning.
34. TUDOR WEEK?!!! I LOVE THE TUDORS. OH MY GOD.
35. Buzzing for next week. Gonna start preparing for Wednesday by creeping up on people in the street like those clowns, but instead I'll spontaneously chant 'divorced beheaded died, divorced beheaded survived' and then running off.