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Bake Off 2016 Week 4. This'd Batter Be Good.

Batter than my titles anyway.

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1. I feel extremely morose this week in light of the news on Monday that Bake Off is moving to Channel 4. There'll be nasty adverts, Mue have dropped out already which is no surprise and frankly I don't blame them, and some people have branded it breadxit. I'm gonna brand it bloody travesty.

2. Also, the four of them have said that if one of them goes they all go and I know that because Sue says so in her published memoir which is brilliant and hilarious just like Sue and after this episode is over I'm going to go and cry into it.

3. What if channel 4 re-brand it as one of their absurd documentaries?!

4. "The boy who had vol-au-vents for eyes"

5. "It was love at first sight, but what did my hubby REALLY have in his proving drawer?"

6. Oh god it's gonna be awful.

7. Twitter has responded accordingly. One girl said her life was ending which seemed dramatic but thinking about it that's totally fair because if 2016 in Britain was a cake it'd be a crumbling, soggy-bottomed, under baked mess and this is just the icing on top of it tbh.

8. I'm now in such a state I've missed the first ten minutes.

9. Although in the spirit of ad breaks, I'd like to take this opportunity to point anyone reading this in the direction of my new favourite baking blog http://www.janespatisserie.com because oh my god yes.

10. Boyfriend remarks that he feels this signature challenge is 'a bit of an easy one'. I'll just pop the oven on so I can serve him his words with a side of chips in 20 minutes time.

11. The Yorkshire Pudding Community is something I can definitely see myself being part of. Where do I sign up? I expect they have weekly meetings during which they discuss batter and all its properties and play batter bingo and draw mindmaps of all the ways Yorkshire puddings can save the world.

12. I once had a full meal in a Yorkshire pudding in the highest inn in England and I still think about the experience frequently. Surely this qualifies me for the community?

13. Mary's 'lovely' in re: Rav's Thai Yorkshires can be directly translated as 'this is an awful idea'.

14. Hearts break countrywide as Selasi mentions his girlfriend.

15. The dog's desperately trying to put her paws over her ears and eyes. We feel you Skye. It's a blow for us all. Selasi's taken. Mue are jumping ship. Literally could this bake off situation get any worse. WHY CAN'T WE CATCH A BREAK?

16. I hope Val's Yorkshires start speaking to her. Now that genuinely would be material for Channel 4.

17. I've just been informed that Jane snuck in a cheeky star wars quote. Down with the kids I am. Pudding from Yorkshire it is.

18. Oh Tom. Oh Tom, Tom, Tom.

19. I mean he's essentially halfway to having created an edible poker set.

20. Look at Mary slaying with her diagonal zip.

21. Well done Jane. Flavour success it was.

22. Selasi come on, you can't put the word 'perfect' in the title unless you know they're going to – oh okay fair enough.

23. OH TOM. The star baker curse reigns strong. They look like an entry for a 'creative ways to decorate small flat circles of foam' competition. Contestants must be 13 or under to apply.

24. Every time Andrew speaks I miss the next minute or so of the programme because boyfriend and his dad feel they have to spend a bit of time repeating whatever he says in enthusiastic northern irish accents.

25. Bet you anything Kate secretly knows what a lace pancake is. Bet you her children's bedsheets and clothes are crafted from them.

26. Sorry Paul but how are you supposed to fill these flimsy bastards with jam and sugar and lemon? These aren't for me.

27. Selasi doodlin <3s all ova his paper is just sooo romantic I luv him xox

28. Surprised Tom hasn't just cut his losses and gone for the phallic shape again.

29. 'Oh sorry did you say hearts I thought you said cock and balls my mistake'

30. * insert various jokes about tossing, flicking and wrist action here *

31. I can't help but feel that Paul could've politely remarked that the pancakes were overdone rather than basically flagellating the table with them like he was beating a prisoner.

32. Mel's affinity for different languages will never fail to make me happy.

33. Snake in the grass. Of course. Of course that's what Tom's calling his churros. I can't help but feel that if he stays in this competition it's just gonna escalate to the point where one week he just strips off from the waist down and brings a whole new meaning to the word showstopper.

34. Kate has mentioned all the Beatrix Potter bunnies but the main man Peter, which makes me fear for Peter's welfare. Has she got him stuffed and displayed as a centerpiece in her drawing room?

35. Just quickly googled whether or not Kate's surname is McGregor but it isn't and I'm glad cos that would've been too much.

36. Has Rav misinterpreted the brief and just opened a jar of mini gherkins?

37. I swear the music has never been this dramatic before, I'm feeling quite stirred.

38. Tom's clearly just chain-smoked a 20 pack and displayed them on a chopping board.

39. Channel 4 might have outbid the BBC but the real question is, will they be spending as much on a bake off orchestra because if I glance away from the screen I genuinely think I'm at the proms or starring in a film of my life.

40. Benjamina really deserved that, and sadly it was Kate's time too. She can go back to harvesting her land and we can all look forward to Val not having time for filo pastry next week. Everyone wins really.

41. I'm vowing now to make the most of the rest of this series because, let's face it, Bake Off won't ever be the same again. This time, things can't only get batter. (You can have that one.)

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