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Bake Off 2016: The Semi-Finals

I really regret using up that semi joke last week, I have nothing to say now.

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1. Straight in with a flashback to the phallic jousters last week. This is the BBC being racy.

2. This is the penultimate time we'll see the miscellaneous child in the opening sequence. All the best to her. We shall never know who she was.

3. Unless Channel 4 have bought her.

4. Not like in a trafficking way, in a gentle cookery competition way.

5. Every time someone tells Paul they won't be using 100% strong flour he looks like someone just told him that Bake Off is moving to Dave.

6. Who am I kidding, he'd go with it anyway wouldn't he.

7. Why do they feel the need to remind us every week that Jane is a garden designer? How much designing can there possibly be?

8. "Grass. Fill it with grass."

"Oh groundbreaking work once again Jane this why I chose you to design my garden, this will be a lawn fit for a king thanks to you."

9. At this point dear old Val would have produced a laminating machine and encased her parmiers in plastic and then wondered why no one else had brought their own stationery supply.

10. The way Selasi said 'they need to cook' was extremely threatening and if I was one of his palmiers I'd make damn sure I cooked.

11. He's pacing.

12. I feel like he might be about to kill someone with his spatula.

13. Missed the judging of Jane's due to the fact that we were having a quick family tutorial on how you pronounce 'quatre'.

14. Boyfriend's still saying it very softly to himself.

15. WHY HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED JANE? YOU KNOW YOUR OVEN AT HOME IS SUPERIOR, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER * slap *

16. Jane's just treating it like she would treat any enriched dough and I'd be like just gonna quickly look up how to work this oven.

17. Why's she piping straight onto her workbench? Is she intending on putting the entire thing onto the gingham table?

18. "Well Jane's standing next to a large rectangle of ripped up tent floor but I have no idea whose savarin this is Mary."

19. I feel like Mue have really come into their own during this series which makes it even more devastating that the Bake Off will never be the same again.

20. Even though Paul's example looked like a fancy tea cosy these look delightful. Like firm spongy jellies.

21. To be fair to Selasi I would never have even thought of taking the membrane off the orange.

22. Obviously Selasi will be comforted by me saying that, me being the competent, prolific baker that I am.

23. YES, I LOVE FONDANT FANCIES. Except the yellow ones and pink ones.

24. **YES, I LOVE ONE SPECFIC TYPE OF FONDANT FANCY.

25. Saying that, all these fancies look like the fancies for me.

26. Okay even I sieve flour.

27. Wait is the judges' table in the actual tent?! Everything I thought I knew about this programme has been turned upside down.

28. Imagine the bakers just standing around two metres away whilst Maul and Mue are analysing the weekend, that wouldn't be awkward at all would it.

29. Jane taking risks like she takes risks deciding just how many water features you can put in a garden before you look like a pompous dick.

30. I've spent the past 45 minutes wondering why someone seems to be missing and I've just realised that a) it's Benjamina and b) she's missing due to the fact that this is a knockout competition.

31. Oh Selasi : (

32. At least he can go and live happily ever after with his girlfriend Benjamina.

33. Maybe she'll teach him how to sieve dry ingredients.

34. TO THE FINALS.

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