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All Rise For Bread Week 2016

I'll see myself out.

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1. In preparation for bread week, I did the BBC website's Bumper Bake Off quiz this afternoon and got 10/13. It told me I'm 'clearly a bake off fan', but that I 'missed the star baker title this time round'. I'll be honest, I can't remember a time that I was this upset.

2. In my defence I only really got on the bake off bandwagon at series 3 and I got the question about the squirrel with the huge nuts right and everyone knows that that's the most important one.

3. Also I've just remembered a comment I saw the other day on my new favourite baking blog which read 'I tried the cheesecake but it wouldn't set like yours I couldn't work out kg to grams as my scales are only in grams :(' and suddenly life seems that little bit brighter.

4. The blogger was really nice in her reply and politely explained that kg meant kilograms etc which solidified the fact that public service isn't for me cos I'd have been like 'lol I'm only telling you if you successfully complete this dot to dot of a square in 2 minutes or less.'


6. Episode 3 and boyfriend is enthusiastically singing along to the theme tune. That didn't take long.

7. Candice's lippy is on point as per.

8. Andrew's been poking his bread all week. Make of that what you will.

9. Paul's already being a scaremongering dick. Standard.

10. Benjamina had me until she put toasted almonds in her brioche. Hard foods hidden in soft foods are not my scene.

11. If Tom says brioche needs to prove in order to chill out and do its thing maybe Selasi's parents brought him up in a proving drawer and that's why he's so laidback.

12. Jane, that looks like a bloodied corpse.

13. Looks like Andrew's not indulged in as much dough-poke as he should've done.

14. Not to ping my own oven timer (alright, settle down) but I made some excellent chocolate and orange cookies at the weekend, so from now on I shall be commenting with absolute authority on each bake and judging decision, regardless of any recent trivia knowledge mishaps.

15. Every time I have baking success though the joy is short-lived as I remind myself that I just don't know the science of baking like the bakers do, and never will. They know what yeast does in any given situation and here I am having only mastered the pronunciation of the word 'millennium' relatively recently.

16. Paul loves it. Andrew wants Paul to poke him in the centre of his dough. Everyone's happy.

17. 'Down to the eat.'?! Paul you can't just turn things into nouns! Don't be so pretentious.

18. Imagine if the technical challenge was actually making a round of toast. I could apply for that! Just hope this tent has a smoke alarm.

19. Don't worry everyone. Around her busy schedule of being a fitness freak, Val's always making dumplings. You've got this Val.

20. I refuse to believe Damfnoodle is a real word. It sounds like something autocorrect would come up with. E.g. 'I didn't know what to do so I played damfnoodle in distress.'

21. I take it all back and I would like this damfnoodle song played at my wedding please.

22. Raw damfnoodle Kate. Raw like your lifestyle.

23. Turns out it's spelt damfnudel. Potato potato.

24. Val you did have this!

25. She really wants a slice of Paul's damfnoodle, Andrew might have to step aside.

26. Nothing will ever match up to Paul's lion of series 6, but I'm prepared to let them try and PROVE me wrong.

27. Sorry.

28. I love it when contestants stumble over how they phrase things and take inspiration from their grandmas, 'because my grandma was, in fact, a loaf of bread.'

29. That's it Val, you rewrite that bible. Heaven forbid anyone having to break up a fight between bread animals. Everyone knows dough elephants are solitary.

30. No surprise to anyone that Kate had a pony. I expect she's got one tethered outside the tent to practise on.

31. Val's ark looks like it might have been shipwrecked, potentially having sunk under the weight of its own title.

32. Then again, it might look a bit messy but remember guys it's all down to the eat.

33. The bread lion of 2015 may remain unrivalled but this is literal bread goals. I can bemoan reality TV as much as the next person, but when you've got Andrew able to craft an entire basket out of dough and me sitting here wearing a toe separator to reset my bunion, I think it's pretty evident who's going further isn't it.

34.Mel nearly started a petition there to keep Val. I'd sign it.

35. Are you joking?! Andrew should've got star baker! That would've been thoroughly deserved. He was without a doubt my breadwinner of Bake Off 2016. #JusticeforSelasiandnowAndrew. Maul had better buck their judging ideas up otherwise my hashtag's gonna get too long to trend.

36. Boyfriend's mum remarks that Michael is out 'because of his eyebrows' which is completely fair.

37. Well I'm miffed.

38. I'll have to look into changing my surname to damfnoodle by deed poll just to cheer myself up. Watch this space.

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