It’s New Year’s Eve.
But then you have a very stupid thought.
I’ve warned you about this before.
But it’s a holiday. So I’ll help you out just this once more. Here are four ways to keep yourself from sending a drunk text message tonight (or very early tomorrow morning). You don’t want to start a brand-new year off with a regret, right? RIGHT?
Textalyzer is an iPhone and Android app that has you set a list of “forbidden” contacts before you go out, and only lets you text or call those people if you pass a series of short “sobriety” tests — a series of four short games that test your response time, dexterity, and recall ability. HOWEVER, this app has a few important limits: for one, it only blocks access to contacts if you’re trying to text them THROUGH the app’s messaging service. But you’re sneaky when you’re tipsy, aren’t you? You could totally still text them through iMessage. Also, what if you’re extra good at games when you’re drunk? (That’s not a thing, but maybe it’s a thing?) Still, it might be worth a try.
Don’t Dial! is another iPhone/Android app option to (maybe) keep you from drunk texting the worst possible people you could drunk text this NYE. The good thing about Don’t Dial! is that it doesn’t give you the option to drunkenly outwit your phone through games — it simply asks you to block certain contacts before going out for the night, and only unlocks them after 24 hours. (It also gives you the option to let one of your friends be your Designated Dialer, but I wouldn’t trust those people if I were you.)
It’s important to remember, though, that neither app can keep you from texting someone whose number you’ve memorized. What can? METHOD 3: a lobotomy. No, I’m kidding. You just have to hope your nearly extinct ability to memorize sets of numbers dies all the way out after a few drinks.
This is a desperate measure for a desperate time. It’s also a little like the apps mentioned above, but free. Maybe you don’t need to take them ALL out — there are probably a few people in your phone who you wouldn’t even text at the point you no longer know who you’re texting. But then again, you might? You could (and maybe should) definitely take the names and numbers of the people you can LEAST afford to drunk text out of your phone before you go out. You can add them back in tomorrow, or the day after, just to be safe.
As fun and potentially helpful as the former methods might be, I think your best bet here is to go cold turkey. I know, it sounds so simplistic, right? “Don’t send drunk texts.” “Oh, OKAYYYY.” But I mean it! If you repeatedly and relentlessly tell yourself to be someone who doesn’t send drunk texts, you won’t be someone who sends drunk texts. Don’t let alcohol be an excuse! You either want to text this person anyway and are looking to call it a “mistake,” or you know you shouldn’t do it, so you won’t. You know you shouldn’t do it. So don’t.
You can do this. I believe in you! Good luck, and let me know tomorrow if I need to take your phone away.
- Chris Froome has won the Tour de France. He's the first Brit to win the cycling race three times 🚴