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Proof That Candy Canes Are The Fucking Worst

You know it, I know it, everyone knows it.

Let's get one thing straight: candy canes are the candy corn of the holiday season.

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(For the record, I actually like candy corn, but you get what I mean: these are seasonal and deeply polarizing candy items of questionable value.)

What kind of dumb-ass shape is this for a food?

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Sorry, stock photo girl, but nobody starts eating their candy cane hook-first, because that is impossible and very drool-y.

If you DO eat candy canes the right way, you will automatically create a lethal weapon.


Another fact: Nobody has ever made it all the way through a candy cane. Ever.

Jennifer Boggs / Getty Images

It's either gonna break, or you're gonna give up, because eating an entire candy cane takes upwards of two years.

And don't even get me started on the mini candy canes.

Ken Tannenbaum / Getty Images

Thanks for nothing, DMV!! Thanks for this broken trash, dermatologist's waiting room!!

Let us not even SPEAK of the false, fruity candy cane.

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You cannot make us eat this shit year-round. You just can't.

What the fuck is this, blueberry?

Tamelyn Feinstein / Getty Images


Why keep making something that is born to languish in the clearance aisle come December 26th?

Flickr: pswansen / Creative Commons

Why pretend as though you have gifted your coworkers a seasonal treat when we both know the candy cane is a glorified breath mint?

This guy's got the right idea.

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Candy canes are very bad. Do not buy them for anyone this year.

OK, here is one acceptable use for candy canes: making hot cocoa (a great thing) slightly minty-er.

Michael Schubert / Getty Images

This is fine.