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    An Incomplete But Definitely Exhaustive Review Of Bigfoot Erotica

    It's a lot.

    Chris Ritter

    Not very deep into the recesses of Amazon's Kindle Store, there exists a surprisingly vast collection of monster erotica. (Monsterotica.) You have your vampires, your ghosts, your ambiguous-but-well-endowed shape-shifting night walkers.

    And then you have your Bigfoots.

    We are living in something of a Bigfoot erotica heyday. Earlier this year, The Daily Beast reported that Virginia Wade's 16-book Bigfoot erotica series, Cum for Bigfoot, has earned her up to $30,000 per month through Kindle Direct Publishing.

    I have always really liked Bigfoot, in a platonic way. So, to better understand this newly popular way of thinking about him, I read seven of the most popular works of Bigfoot erotica and assessed them by several relevant qualities. A note: The "Horny Bigfoots" rating is an admittedly subjective metric that is based on overall impressions about the story's sexiness, humor, plot, and writing quality.

    Bigfoot Did Me From Behind and I Liked It, Raven Blackbird

    Premise: Journalist and seductress Jessica Fox (roommate of CIA agent and seductress, Tabitha, who, incidentally, spends the story seducing a transparent Rob Ford caricature called "Bob Chevy") heads out on a search expedition for Sasquatch along with her boyfriend, "sexy-as-fuck" Bigfoot hunter Chris Boulder, and a TV crew — but their mission doesn't go quite as planned.

    Notable Penis Descriptions:

    - None, really! Blackbird is sparse with the penis imagery, which is honestly fine.

    Memorable Quotes:

    - "You might think since I've fucked the President of the United States, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny in recent months that I couldn't possibly be wooed by a lumberjack-turned-Bigfoot-hunter, but you'd be wrong."

    - "Hell hath no fury like a psychotic momma Sasquatch trying to protect her sheltered, 30-something year old son from a 'slut bag' woman."

    What do we learn about Bigfoot? He is 34 years old; his name is Harold; he still lives with his parents (also Bigfoots); he has multiple DUIs; he has Star Wars bedsheets and pajamas; he is nonetheless very talented at sex.

    What happens besides the sex? Several decapitations.

    Horny Bigfoots: 3/5.

    Chris Ritter

    Bigfoot's New Mate, Soichiro Irons

    Premise: Danielle is a scientist who's been monitoring a group of captive Bigfoots and meeting with investors in hopes she can take her discoveries public. The Bigfoots, meanwhile, are growing restless without a mate, and become curious about Danielle.

    Notable Penis Descriptions:

    - "enormous rod"

    Memorable Quotes:

    - What I like about this one are the negs that are probably directed at the author's ex-boyfriends: "[Bigfoot] picked up the pants and bra and carefully set them down on the rock next to her shirt. Danielle had to give him credit for that — she'd had lovers step on her discarded clothing in the past."

    What do we learn about Bigfoot? There's more than one; they can communicate with one another; they give each other names like "Artak" and "Merchok"; they are unexpectedly delicate and organized.

    What happens besides the sex? There's a LITTLE bit of plot outside the erotica — establishing the Bigfoots' hierarchy, Danielle's work as a scientist, and a bit about her inferior-in-bed human boyfriend.

    Horny Bigfoots: 3/5.

    Chris Ritter

    Bigfoot Depravity, Robyn North

    Premise: A young, pretty woman is kidnapped* and used as live bait for Bigfoot. [*A disclaimer: While "being kidnapped" is not an uncommon theme across this particular genre, six of the seven stories I read describe encounters that are/become consensual and enjoyed by both parties. This one does not.]

    Notable Penis Descriptions:

    - "gross dimensions"

    - "vein covered shaft of solid meat"

    - "solid rod of pain"

    - "the bloated bell-end" (clearly a favorite, this particular term is used five times in the book's 15 pages.)

    Memorable Quotes:

    - "The huge penis glistened grossly in the hot sunlight."

    What do we learn about Bigfoot? Nothing good.

    What happens besides the sex? Not much! People are described as wiping sweat from their foreheads four or five times. There is some murder.

    Horny Bigfoots: 1/5.

    Chris Ritter

    Bigfoot's Gay!, Candy Banger

    Premise: Brandon (22, bisexual) and John (21, "straight") are staying at Brandon's cousin's cabin in the woods. Their interest in each other turns sexual while out on a hike — and that draws the interest of a mysterious creature who's watching nearby.

    Notable Penis Descriptions:

    - Mostly just "cock."

    Memorable Quotes:

    - "John always wore the most inappropriate clothes."

    - "The one thing that he didn't move was his penis. He couldn't move it behind the tree because it was too long."

    What do we learn about Bigfoot? He's gay!

    What happens besides the sex? A few great descriptions of inappropriate outfits.

    Horny Bigfoots: 3/5.

    Chris Ritter

    Boffing Bigfoot, Ann L. Probe

    Premise: Amy Rush is a young woman who lives in a small brownstone off Central Park and masturbates constantly. One day she is approached by three government agents (who heard about all the sex she's been having) with an unusual request: that she have sex with as many different alien species as possible, in order to gather intelligence about each. First up? Bigfoot.

    Notable Penis Descriptions:

    - "throbbing member"

    - "foot-long cock"

    Memorable Quotes:

    - "Like all men, they were easy to manipulate."

    - "'Come in,' Amy said, with emphasis on the word come."

    - "She flexed secret muscles, giving Sasquatch the full benefit of her kegel exercises."

    What do we learn about Bigfoot? He understands, but does not speak, English. He is really good at oral sex.

    What happens besides the sex? There are several pages devoted to describing Amy, her background, and her interview with the agents. There is a lot of innuendo, obviously, but it's delivered cheekily and assertively. I found this one funny and also pretty sexy, all things considered. (I think it's also vaguely misandrist! It has everything.)

    Horny Bigfoots: 5/5.

    Chris Ritter

    Cum for Bigfoot, Virginia Wade

    Premise: Attractive teenagers Porsche, Shelly, Leslie, Chris, Cameron, and Darren are on a wilderness excursion with Chris' hot dad, Mr. Vandekamp, when the group stumbles upon a strange footprint in the woods. Porsche (the narrator), Shelly, and Leslie are subsequently kidnapped and kept as sexually satisfied prisoners by a roving band of Bigfoots. (All the human men are killed — also something of a recurring theme.)

    Notable Penis Descriptions:

    - "huge pale cock that defied logic"

    Memorable Quotes:

    - "'Gimme a break. You guys are pullin' my leg.'" (The dropped G is big in this book's dialogue.)

    - "Two women were fucking the legend, the beast that was Bigfoot."

    - "I lay snuggled next to Bigfoot, whose name was Leonard."

    What do we learn about Bigfoot? One of them (the main one) is named Leonard. There's another one called Dale.

    What happens besides the sex? I guess I wanted to save the famous Cum for Bigfoot for last. It's the only paperback among the group — 217 pages for the first five volumes. I was planning to read it on a recent trip home, so I packed it into my suitcase. Then when I got home, I opened my bag and found a note from TSA informing me they'd gone through my things.

    I really tried. But it was around page 82, after two consecutive double-Bigfoot-penetrations, that I became too weary to go on.

    What I'm trying to say is that the answer to "what happens" is "I don't know for sure, but I can guess."

    Horny Bigfoots: 3.5/5?

    Chris Ritter