1. Available, desperately so, I mean, please, literally talk to me about ANYthing, that I might be taken away from the unceasing mundanity of my existence, even if only for a minute or two
2. Available for heavy-handed flirting that will amount to very little, if anything
3. Available for gossip about people I don’t even know, I don’t even care
4. Available for links I’ll only pretend to read, but will really only scan the headline and write back “lol” or “omg” or whatever
5. Available, but not for descriptions of the dream you had last night, it’s really not even kind of funny, it’s just incomprehensible
6. Available, broadly, but not to you
7. Available, but for god’s sake, Anna, can you not tell me what you made for dinner last night, I get it, you can cook
8. Available, but only for cat fail gifs
9. Available, but only for dog fail gifs
10. Available, but only because I want to promote this link I have here, in my status, do you see it
11. Available, but only for copy-pasted transcripts of your Gchats with other people
12. Available, but only in the event you’ve heard that something embarrassing happened to someone we both hate
13. Available, but only in a defiant, symbolic sense, where it’s like, YES, I am here, YES I am ON Gchat because I am FINE, and I want you to see my name in your list and FEEL that, but obviously don’t TALK to me, you dumbass piece of shit
14. I could not be monitoring my Gchat status more closely; I waited to go idle, and then I sat watching, waiting
15. I have somehow been away from my Gmail window for long enough that this status activated; please help me remedy this situation
16. I have a real job
18. Available (I am new to Gchat and don’t understand that I shouldn’t have the red circle up ALL DAY simply because I’m at my place of work)
19. Available (I’m not new to Gchat; I’m just confused about what “busy” really means)
20. Available, but I want to be able to claim plausible deniability if I feel like ignoring you at any moment
21. Busy, but not too busy for requests to go take an inordinately long coffee break, it’s fine, we can call it a meeting
22. Busy, but not too busy to provide synonyms for words you need synonyms for
23. Busy, but not too busy for highly graphic sex questions
24. I am genuinely in a meeting! I’m serious!!!!
25. I want you to think about what you’ve done
26. Available, but only to my best friend, who knows that I am never TRULY offline, even when I’m sleeping
27. I’m mad at you and I want you to think I signed off, which obviously I did not do
28. Available in the sense that I am HERE, like, very much so, but it’s Saturday night, so … no, I am not on Gchat, obviously
- Nope, President Donald Trump will not release his tax returns after an IRS audit, the White House says, despite pledging to do so.
- Trump has commented on yesterday's massive Women's Marches asking, "why didn't these people vote?"
- Kellyanne Conway says White House press sec. Sean Spicer didn't lie about crowd size at Trump's inauguration. He gave "alternative facts."
- "SNL" paused the laughs for a moment last night to pay tribute to former President Barack Obama.