1.You LOVE food. Love it! Who doesn't love food. It's so nice when *other people* make food and you get to eat it.
2.You want to be someone who ACTUALLY makes food for yourself, but whenever you try, it's just so BAD.
3.There's really only one type of oven you feel is safe for you to use.
4.Cookbooks seem to you to be written in gibberish.
5.You're inexplicably mad from the very first cooking direction you read.
6.There are a bunch of inscrutable cooking terms everyone else seems to understand, and you're increasingly suspicious there was a class on this years ago and nobody told you.
7.Your cooking sessions start with good intentions and a clean apron and end in burns and weird smells and smoke and sadness.
8.How is this kind of cooking tragedy even possible? If there's a way, you will find it.
9.Seriously. You've messed up foods you can't even talk about with other people, because they wouldn't get it.
10.And god forbid you should ever be asked to "bring a dish" to a dinner party.
11.Forget "just throwing something together"; for you, the decision to try cooking (again) means setting aside half a day for something that will more than likely taste disgusting. Because YOU made it.
12.You've emptied out your building with a fire alarm caused by your pathetic attempts. Twice.
13.You've cried (or very nearly cried) over messed-up pancakes.
14.Every once in a while you see an adorable food item on Pinterest and make it and immediately remember why you need to be banned from Pinterest.
15.Seriously, you need to stop trying things from Pinterest.
16.Watching Chopped fills you with unquantifiable envy and grief.
17.Your friends who CAN cook — the chosen ones — are all like, "It's not that hard! Can't you just follow the directions?"
18."WHYYYYY!!! WHY MEEEEE I'M SO HUNGRY WHYYYY" —you.
19.You, 10 minutes and a quick temper tantrum later.