1. It’s not even that you *really* believe in all this stuff.
It’s just that the idea of abandoning your various ritualized self-protection measures and safety and health charms leaves you petrified, because the idea that you’re simply a set of organs drifting through time on a doomed planet, unable to control your own life and circumstances, is too much to bear. Lol.
8. Whenever something *does* seem to confirm one of your superstitions, you tell everyone, and remember it forever.
You didn’t think it was going to be a big deal that you dropped a hand mirror that once, and yet here we are, four months later, and someone stole your debit card and bought $42 worth of comic books. I warned you.
13. And when your horoscope tells you that the 19th-22nd will be your hardest days, you prepare for them with an intensity not unlike someone stockpiling for a nuclear apocalypse.
You’re like, “Anders — clear my calendar.” (In this scenario you have an assistant named Anders.)
16. You have between 1-3 disgusting pieces of fabric — they can hardly be considered clothing — that you keep because you think cotton can make a sports team win a thing.
Listen, pal, do you want the Packers to win, or do you want me to stop smearing this t-shirt with mustard and letting it air dry on my body because one time I was eating a hot dog and mustard spilled on me and they beat the Vikings that very same day?
19. This is your actual worst nightmare.
What a Sophie’s Choice situation these emails are! Either you delete the email and feel brief (but overwhelming!) concern that you will indeed die, and hope only that you deleted it quickly enough that the curse is weakened at least a little, OR you read it through, forward it to 10 friends, and wait for one of them to come kill you for being the kind of person who forwards email chain letters.