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13 Fantasies I Had While On Day One Of My Period

*imagines self buried in coffin made of chocolate*

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1. I'm lying in the fetal position on a giant circular bed that is surrounded by lace curtains. It is 63 degrees. The bed is vibrating just slightly, and I am wearing silk pajamas so big that the sleeves and legs of my pants drape over the edges of the bed. Carly Rae Jepsen's Emotion is playing on repeat.

2. I'm sitting on a throne on an elevated platform. One hot person is holding a heating pad in place over my uterus, and in front of me, a line of 30-50 more hot people wait in line to take a chocolate covered pretzel from the vase and place it on my tongue.

3. Channing Tatum holds me like a baby and feeds me from a bottle of chocolate milk.

4. I show up at my office to find a sign on the door that reads: "WORK HAS BEEN CANCELED FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK DUE TO ASBESTOS. PLEASE LOOK DOWN. :)" I look down, and on the floor is a box of doughnuts, and when I open it, there is just one left. On my way back outside, I run into several coworkers, whom I inform that work is canceled, and there were doughnuts, but there aren't anymore.

5. [Censored]

6. My hair comes all the way down to the ground, and my best friend spends the entire day braiding it as I fall in and out of consciousness.

7. I'm lying motionless in a bathtub filled to the brim with gummy worms.

8. I'm wearing a snowsuit inside a sleeping bag that has been secured to a sled being slowly pulled across a large, frozen lake by a pack of four dozen goldendoodle puppies. Above me, there is a plane skywriting Pride and Prejudice line by line.

9. Everyone who has ever hurt my feelings is squeezed into a McDonald's PlayPlace together, and I am sitting in a booth below, watching them struggle to get out while eating a Supersize French fries with a medium chocolate shake.

10. I faint in the street, and a casting director for Law & Order: SVU hires me on the spot to play a dead girl in the episode they're shooting that day. For my scene, I lie on the street while Mariska Hargitay bends over, looks at my face, and says that I am the most beautiful victim she has ever seen, and that whoever did this to me will pay. The director has us do 25 takes to get it just right.

11. I am God, and I crumple Earth in my hand like a piece of paper.

12. I have one of those beer-dispensing hats, but it has two tubes instead of one, and instead of beer, it is filled with milk in one compartment, and Reese's Puffs cereal in the other.

13. [[[Extremely censored]]]

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