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How To Fail University On £107.33 A Month

The student guide to getting the least out of your academic experience.

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19. First things first, failing takes real commitment.

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Part-timers need not read on.

18. £5.99 on a Netflix Membership

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You can deal with the ad breaks on Spotify every few songs if it means you have more money to spend on baked beans but streaming American television shows online is driving you crazy.

Netflix is actually free for the first month anyway so you’ll just cancel your membership straight after then and it will be fine.

17. It's not long before you realize that you really do need to rewatch those first two seasons of "Sherlock" again though...

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and you've only just started season four of "Breaking Bad". You're sure one more month won't do any harm.

16. £6 on library fines

Sometimes collateral damage has to be taken. This is one of those times. When your essays due in in two days and the book you’ve quoted at least four times is already overdue it’s time to make hard decisions. You decide you’re going to have to suck it up and pay that 50p late fee.

15. Then you get the bad news that the library is also still waiting for that reference book you took home over Easter and completely forgot about under your bed.

14. £30.34 on alcohol.

Asda own brand vodka costs £15.17 a litre, you definitely don’t get through more than two bottles a month do you? Right?
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Asda own brand vodka costs £15.17 a litre, you definitely don’t get through more than two bottles a month do you? Right?

13. And anyway, you’ve become an expert at pre-drinking.

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You've perfected that equilibrium point which allows you to stumble surreptitiously past the club bouncers whilst still being drunk enough to not buy anymore drinks inside.

12. Yes, you did get those two extra tequilas last night...

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(but you’ll score that up as a one off this time).

11. £0 on a Mattress Topper

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Okay, so you didn’t actually pay for this one. You were complaining about having a bad back and your parents offered to get you it. Saying no would have just been rude.

10. Unfortunately, it has meant you don’t actually want to get out of bed anymore.

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Who can blame you when you agreed to only put the flat heating on once a day?

9. £21 on a gym membership

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So you definitely remember your GCSE science teacher saying that exercise is good for the brain. You congratulate yourself on your spark of genius and buy a membership. This way your grades will go up and you’ll be fit for summer.

8. Fair enough, it hasn’t had much effect so far... but then you haven’t actually been for five days so maybe the brain stuff kicks in later.

7. £19 on a phone contract.

Snapchat is taking over your life. That is all.

6. £20 on “That new top you really wanted”.

You know that you’re meant to be spending this money on course books. You do. But you’re also pretty sure they’ll have the same text in the library. If they don’t you can always get up a vaguely wordy looking ebook on Project Gutenberg and pretend you found an internet copy.

5. Plus, this top is in the sale.


There’s at least a £2 markdown and you get another 10% off with your student discount and honestly, you’ll spend less on washing powder this week if you buy it.

4. £5 on Fancy Dress Costumes

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If you were doing Psychology you might suggest that students love fancy dress so much because they want to return to the comfort of childhood… actually, you think it’s just a reason to get even drunker than usual on a night that’s not Halloween.

3. You try your best to find things in your wardrobe...

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But with themes like “Something beginning with the fourth letter of your first name” or “Films Meryl Streep got an Academy Award for” it’s a big ask.

2. Suddenly, it's the end of the month.

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It dawns on you that you've not actually completed a single assignment.

1. You'll just have to chalk this one up to experience, starting from now you're in unadulterated work mode.


Well, after you finish a few more buzzfeed articles at least...

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