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    Thank Goodness for Ryan Cabrera, His Hair And All That He Taught Us

    Praise be to the lord.

    The date was June 12, 2004 when Ryan Cabrera's eyes first penetrated our virgin souls.

    The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and Ryan had just released his single, "On The Way Down."

    You probably remember drooling all over your computer or falling off of your chair the first time you watched that music video.

    It was a monumental experience, a sexual awakening for your pre-teen body. No drink in the world could satisfy the unquenchable thirst you had in that moment.

    Like holy shit.


    I'm sure you still can vividly picture him strumming his guitar the way an angel would a golden harp, weaving his fingers effortlessly through each and every string.

    I bet you can feel the silkiness of his hair as it glistens like a halo, protecting his sacred mind from surrounding darkness.

    Ryan’s lyrics spoke to us more deeply than any AIM away message ever could. He told us “I saw you and you saved me from myself” when really it was Ryan who was saving us.

    We were ready to love him. We were ready to coddle him in our arms. We were ready to slingshot his GF Ashlee Simpson in the face with the rubber bands of our braces.

    We thought the world blessed us with all that it could give, when suddenly OUR DEAR LORD RYAN RELEASED HIS SUMMER ALBUM, Take It All Away and angel wings emerged from his freaking back.

    "It's time to try anything to be with you," he would sing into our ears. "Have my goddamn babies," we would whisper back.

    Like, we're not kidding.

    We're still whispering, Ryan.

    It's not too late.

    Ryyaaannnnn SexyPants Cabrera.

    You changed our fucking lives. You weren't just an autograph, or a calendar on our desk, or the face on our ceiling... were more than that. You were our true love. And we miss you. We just want you to know that.

    And we're still waiting for you in Echo Park.