katherines37 Writer, doodler and Creative at Large

    RENT-A -RELLIE! This service is designed especially for those that can’t abide their own family, or have family members living overseas, or for those sad inadequate loners who don’t have anyone this festive season. (And I’ve been there my friends!) At a reasonable cost you can hire a mum, complete with dusting gloves and reproachful expression. Dad comes with a novelty apron and BBQ tongs (and we’ll throw in a complimentary TV remote.) Brothers and sisters come in a range of styles, but feel free to browse from the Sullen Teen, Tween Nightmare and Sibling Rivalry varieties. A home isn’t the same without the pitter-patter of tiny feet, so to add authentic chaos to your place, do check out the Screaming Tantrums, Stainmaster and Little Shit ranges. Had no luck in the love dept’? Not to worry, you can hire an authentic partner in a variety of styles and colours to suit. Top of the range is the Trophy Wife/Husband accessorized in Versace. If budget is a priority, do browse through our economy spouse section — Couch potato and Mullet are perennial favourites. For sheer authenticity don’t forget to add in extras to your shopping cart, such as Sarcasm, Slagging or Silent Treatment. Try Offensive Body Odour, Halitosis or Dandruff to add that special touch of realism. For extra special occasions, Black Sheep can be a hilarious addition to the family, or should you prefer, we have an exclusive range of Suspect Uncles. Family pets of course, are available in all breeds. Silent But Deadly is popular, as are Moulting Moggie, Wet Dog and Shit All Over The Carpet. For a limited time we are offering a FREE set of steak knives, so you can stab your rellies in the back at no extra cost. So don’t delay, rent your rellie today!

  • Ten Ways To Tell If Someone Loves You

    Love makes the world go round, right? When it comes to a romantic relationship it’s clearly important that the person you are sharing your life with really cares. You may well ask “how can I tell?” Here’s a checklist for any of you who may need clarification on this point… 1.They want to spend time with you even if it’s doing origami. 2.They’ll be respectful about you and your needs. 3.They’ll put themselves out to attend your weird family events. 4.They’ll help you with things they can help you with, like giving you a cold flannel when you’re sick in the toilet. 5.If you ask for a ‘Starburst’, they’ll give you the last red or pink one. 6.They’ll share their chocolate. 7.They’ll come to the doctor with you if you are nervous about something, even if it’s embarrassing. 8.They’ll be on your side when the metaphorical cop comes to the car window. 9.They’ll talk about their future with YOU in it. 10.They’ll never deliberately poke you in the eye with a stick, or harm you.

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