DIY

68 Thoughts Every Single Person Has At A Wedding

Straight line distance to the cheese.

1. Hmm, wedding starts at 5 p.m.? I have all day to get ready, no problem.
*4:15*
2. Wow I should probably start doing something with my life now.
3. Could I get away with not washing my hair and just using some dry shampoo?
4. No. There will be photographic evidence of this event.
5. OoOoO maybe I will meet my future soulmate there.
6. Lol nope probs going to be all middle-aged people suggesting the Electric Slide.
7. Would be nice to have someone to zip up my dress.
8. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, amirite?
9. OK, well, whoever penned that expression is now responsible for my pulled shoulder.

10. OK so when can I take these heels off?
11. Why is every single man dressed the same?
12. What is a cummerbund?
13. What is the etymology of cummerbund?
14. Is it not socially acceptable to take off my heels and sit here with bare feet?
15. Did I miss the “I now pronounce you…” part???
16. Ugh these chairs are so uncomfortable.
17. Butt is numb.
18. KISS KISS KISS
19. This feels pretty voyeuristic.
20. Aw but they love each other.
21. Love is just a bunch of chemicals though.
22. Lol ~~~bitter~~~.

23. Ew no wonder I’m single, I PRINTED out directions to the catering hall.
24. From MAPQUEST…….
25. Oh well, drank time.
26. I been drinkin’, I been drinkin’.
27. Straight line distance to the cheese.
28. Brie? Ugh, more cheese varieties than I could ever wish for.
29. This person walking around with the plate of hors d’oeuvres is my new best friend.
30. Open bar!!! I can get whatever mixed drink I want!!!
31. Yes, hi how are you, I’ll have a chardonnay please, thank you.
32. This person walking around with the plate of hors d’oeuvres pities my existence.
33. Can you overdose on cheese?
34. I’ll be healthy and switch to vegetables.
*drenches carrots in dip*
35. Wow what glass of wine am I on?

36. Enlighten me on what Avicii song of the moment this is.
37. Aaaaand half of me is going to be in that picture.
38. No no no, photographer I don’t want to lean in with these strangers no please.
39. Wow is that “Hotel, Motel” Pitbull song something you customarily eat dinner to??
40. Ugh slow songs, really? “The Way You Look Tonight”?
41. Who sings this again?
42. Tony Bennett.
43. What else does Tony Bennett sing again?
44. He’s still alive, right?
45. Wow “Cha-Cha Slide” seems like a very drastic transition.
46. Probably looks like I’m doing the Charlie Brown/cha-cha real smooth very unironically rn.
47. Actively sitting out “Single Ladies.”

48. Time to hear the toasts. How much do I emote?
49. UGH what an intimate and beautiful and emotional moment.
50. Don’t cry. No. The tears.
51. You’re not the one getting married, keep it together.
52. Stoic. Stoic. Calm. Collected.
53. Now I look like an ice queen.
54. Literally no one is looking at me rn.
55. HA HA HA, good joke! Gotta love comedic relief.
56. Wow I just laughed way too loud.
*(30 minutes later)*
57. OK WE GET IT, PUT THE OSCARS MUSIC ON.

58. They still do flower/garter tosses in real life? I am in a rom-com.

59. Might as well get my money’s worth and take as many goody bags as I can fit in my bag!
60. Hm last song will either be Daft Punk’s “One More Time” or BEP “I Gotta Feeling,” which isn’t even grammatically correct.
61. No really, it should be “I Got a Feeling,” and even then, that’s still erroneous.
62. Oh wow went for “Don’t Stop Believing,” very original.
63. Or is it “Don’t Stop Believin’” without a G?
64. Why do song titles not want to be grammatically correct?
65. Aw look at all the drunk happy couples.
66. Aw look at me with my greasy hair, grime-encrusted bare feet, and a purse full of freeloaded cookies!!!!
67. Good-bye, bride and groom, much love have a great life together happiness yay fun good great times.
68. Ugh love is beautiful.
*Cries self to sleep*
*Might have food poisoning*

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