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28 Things That Are More Useful Than Clear Mascara

Have I made myself clear?

Photick/Ale Ventura/Photick/Ale Ventura

1. Throw pillows

2. A landline in an apartment

3. Peds socks

4. Fingerless gloves

5. Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

6. Being lactose intolerant at a cheese fair

7. A Nick Lachey CD

8. A lifetime supply of black licorice

9. Tiny plastic hair ties

10. Clicking the cross to walk button more than one time

11. A spork in theory

12. A spork in practice

13. A rain coat made of papier-mâché


14. Backpack seat belts

15. A life coach for Beyoncé

16. Cotton swabs as anything but earwax dislodgers

17. The time you've spent envisioning a relationship with Joseph Gordon Levitt

18. Knowing what the word "hemidemisemiquaver" means


19. A biopic about the forgotten second host of American Idol, Brian Dunkleman

20. Majoring in English or Art History!!!!

21. Jokes about majoring in English or Art History!!!!

22. Having the lyrics to "We Didn't Start The Fire" committed to memory

23. Decorative pebbles

24. Toe rings

25. Unsubstantiated arguments against LGBTQ rights

26. SPFs that are higher than 50



28. Like maybe even real mascara.


That is all.

B. Dunkleman being B. Dunkleman.

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