1.Time to load up my Charlie Card. I wonder why they call it a Charlie Card. Who are you, Charlie, man of mysteries?
2.I Googled it. Apparently this homie Charlie got a whole song written about him. Which is going to be stuck in my head all the way home.
3.Pretty catchy, but why did his wife come all the way to Scollay to give him a sandwich and didn't give him another nickel to get off the train??? Poor Charlie.
4.No matter how quickly I run through the turnstile after tapping my card, it'll still make that horrible groaning noise and make me look like a miscreant. I PROMISE I PAID. I'M A GOOD PERSON.
5.Is… is that a guy in a bear costume playing the keytar? Damn, Cambridge. Stay weird. Stay gold.
6.All the seats are taken, except for this Harvard douche with his backpack on the seat. I'll stare him down.
7.The staredown is not very effective. Whatever, douche, I didn't want to sit next to you anyway.
8.A nice gentleman offers me his seat at Central. See, chivalry isn't dead, Harvard douche.
9.The view between Kendall and Charles/MGH is awesome. Quick, gotta get the Instagram! But Let's be casual, don't want my fellow riders to know I'm taking a pic. So basic.
10.Screw it. I'll get up and go over to the seat with the big windows to get that perfect shot. ~Hashtag no filter~
11.All right, almost to Park Street, then it's on to the Green Line. Where dreams go to die.
12.That busker on the platform at Park is pretty cute. Maybe I should leave my number in his guitar case.
13.Never mind, I'm not that bold. I'll just leave him some change.
14.Shitshitshit, I don't have any change. Now we're making eye contact and it's weird. Quick, run in the other direction!
15.Park Street is a zoo and there's nowhere to sit, and the fancy new clocks tell me the next B line is three stops away. At least I'm getting a lot of likes on my Insta.
16.Probably pity likes, though.
17.Nah, let's be real, that pic was so worth it.
18.While I wait, I'll just check the map, as if I don't have all the stops memorized from the many long hours I've spent aboard these trains.
19.The Blue Line has the best station names. I mean, Maverick? That's so badass.
20.I wonder what's out at Wonderland. Something about the fact that it's in Revere tells me it's not as wondrous as it sounds.
21.Ugh, there's a tourist dad about to ask me for directions. Don't ask me, I'm just looking at the map.
22.Okay, fine, I'll point you in the right direction of the E line so you and your cute Midwestern family can get to the MFA. Who says Bostonians aren't friendly?
23.All right, the B line's here. Time to fight for a seat, 'cause like hell am I sitting all the way to South Street.
24.Why is it I never get to ride on the flashy new trains? This car is rusty and looks like it hasn't been painted since before I was born. But then again, Boston is known for its historic charm.
25.The screeching sound that those wheels make on the track are purely satanic. Every time a train goes through Boylston, a devil gets his horns.
26.It could be worse. I hear sometimes these trains catch on fire and the whole system gets f*cked up for the entire day. So inconsiderate, trains.
27.So many people at Kenmore! Are the Red Sox in town, or did every drunk moron within fifty miles decide to congregate at this station?
28.The Sox fans flood onto the train like an angry mob that reeks of Bud Light and disappointment in one's home team.
29.Please, don't start singing "Sweet Caroline". Please, don't.
30.Okay, you're singing now.
31.Now everyone is singing.
32.Even I am singing.
33.Ba, ba, baaaa.
34.Okay, we're above ground now. Why does BU have so many stops? What, do they think they're better than us?
35.I would literally buy the entire T if it meant that I never had to hear that irritating announcement tell me "Pay your fare, it's only fair." Bitch, life isn't fair.
36.This poor driver, pleading with people to use the front door, only to concede to the will of the stubborn and unmoving.
37.The destination of this train is misery.
38.Running express from Harvard Ave? But my stop is so close…
39.Ugh, I guess I'm getting out to wait for the next train, because fuck you, that's why.
40.The other driver said another train was right behind him. You sit on a throne of lies, other driver.
41.Okay, new train is here. And this driver's nails are on fleek. How she manages to press all those buttons without breaking one is a true modern miracle.
42.At least this train is less crowded and full of drunk people. But it's still the third MBTA train I've been on all day.
43.I'll tell the driver with her killer nails to have a nice day before I leave, 'cause that's how my momma raised me. Driver seems appreciative of my kindness. Fuck yeah.
44.Finally home. I am never taking the T again.
45.I wonder how much it'd cost to Uber back and forth from work every day.
46.…Shit, that much? Okay, guess I'm taking the T again tomorrow.