1. 7 Ways The Dream Is Destroyed When You Move To London tumblr.com I've lived in London coming up to 6 years now (gaaa - explains the crows feet) and let me tell you - what I thought awaited me in the big smoke, well, it was far from the reality. And that's not to say it was a terrible contrast, but for a then-unemployed / interning / interviewing 21 year old, it wasn't all rooftop bars, Regent Street shopping and celeb spotting. Oh no, no, no...Here are a few things I learnt pretty quickly about the London dream... 1. Celebs Don't ExistI mean...They do. Just not in the places you linger in. Unless you're dining out on a Bookatable star deal at Hakkassan (just don't wander off the set menu) , you ain't seeing no one but Joey Essex flashing his fabulously sun-kissed thighs around Westfield. If you're lucky.2. Night Buses Get You Nowhere JK (Rowling) lied. She lied to us all. Night buses aren't magical, they don't feel safe and they don't get us where we ACTUALLY need to go. They're stuffed full of knobs limply ramming cold, sweaty fries into their faces and they go NOWHERE - via Tottenham Court Road. Fork out for an Uber, every time. 3. Starbs Will Break YouNothing says "made it" like swanning into the office with a frappa cappa latte skinny mocha chino with soy hazelnut and whipped cream. But, what seems like a couple quid here and there actually mounts up to a fuck load each month. And that's before everyone else in your corner of the office starts piping-up with their order. Instant granules might taste like shit but it's kinder on the credit card. Trust. 4. You Can't Afford the London LookI'm not talking about Rimmel ads. I'm talking Mulberries hoiked up over your shoulder, the Prada that's causing an early onset of carpal tunnel, the YSL you clutch in your mits as you flag down a cab. Because even if you are earning a shed load, that's all getting spunked on rent, Oyster and after work jaegers - soz. 5. You're a Dick If You Don't Do After Work DrinksI'm not encouraging drinking. I'm not. But sometimes when 5pm on Monday comes around all one wants is a large glass of Pinot or three...and some Jaegerbombs to wash it down before your trundle towards the last tube. Nobody likes the person who "can't tonight" because their Tesco order is getting delivered. Or any night...just because.n.b I'm a total dick #SofaFTW6. No One ACTUALLY Has Friends in LondonI thought London life would be one big awkward bumbling into uni friends in every cafe and street corner like a staged "fancy seeing you here" scene from Made in Chelsea. It's not. And why? Because I don't know anyone else who lives in this city of 10 gazillion people. No one REALLY has friends in London. Your London fam is your work, or former work, fam. Fact.7. You'll Never Own AnythingI was gonna own two houses, eventually. One, a slick penthouse in central and the second a more modest, 4 storey Georgian home in Islington for when I need space to write my bestselling novel. The reality - I'll forever be paying someone else's mortgage while futilely scrimping and selling limbs to afford that 2 bed terrace in Zone 9. Because that's the way it is. That's the London life you should start dreaming about.