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46 Things Five Years In Essex Will Teach You

Do you say "water" or "waw-ah"?

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1. There are two types of people who live here: those who say "water" and those who say "waw-ah".

2. Because every different area has a slightly different variation of the ~Essex accent~.

3. And hardly any of us speak like the cast of TOWIE.

4. Well, except a few unfortunate souls.

5. There is nothing more confusing for a new driver than the magic roundabout in Colchester.

6. Getting dirt-cheap flights from London Stansted makes you feel pretty smug.

7. But you always feel sorry for people who fly in to Stansted thinking it's actually in London.

8. The Freeport Outlet Village is definitely not worth the journey.

9. Seriously, just go to Lakeside.

10. And never take the train to Westfields.

11. As soon as you get off the motorway, you'll be sharing the road with a horse.

12. Half of Essex are dying to tell you how much they hate Joey Essex.

13. But that won't stop them copying every haircut he gets.

14. Hair extensions, false lashes, and fake tan are an Essex stereotype. But they're also standard Friday night attire for lots of us.

15. Although plenty of us rock the pale and interesting look too; you just don't hear about it as much.

16. The secret nuclear bunker joke never gets old. I mean, what were they thinking?!

17. And the Basildon sign is hands-down the most hilarious thing in Essex.

18. At first, the number of hair and beauty salons in Essex seems ridiculous.

19. But then you realise that people get more haircuts in a month here than others get in a year.

20. There's never, ever, EVER a reason good enough to go to Jaywick.

21. If you're a woman, you're pretty used to be greeted with "Alright, girl?" or "Alright, babe?" by now.

22. While "Alright, geez" or "S'appenin, bruv?" are standard greetings for men.

23. If you didn't, you'll soon wish you'd quit school at 15 and taken up a job as an electrician or plumber. You'd be rich by now, damnit.

24. "Er" is actually pronounced "ah". After autumn, it's wintah. Not winter.

25. And "th", is pronounced "f", which can be confusing when it comes to words like "three" and "free".

26. Every night out in London will end with you, reeking of booze, trying to make it home at the same time as everyone else is commuting to work.

27. Chelmsford = Chelmo.

28. Billericay = Billers.

29. Basildon = Bas Vegas.

30. Speaking of Bas Vegas, nobody will ever get over the death of the Festival Leisure Park.

31. There's only one type of ~posh~ jam to have in your cupboard, and that's Tiptree.

32. It's widely believed that TOWIE was the worst thing to happen to Essex. Except maybe the "Essex Girl" label.

33. Chelmsford becoming a city is still a hot topic for debate. (It should've been Colchester.)

34. A lot of your mates' dads "own a construction company".

35. They spend most of their time going to London for work with their massive mates.

36. Speaking of London, it's usually just easier to tell people that's where you're from.

37. Except when you're abroad. Then there's nothing funnier than chanting "Essex! Essex! Essex!" after a few bevvies, just to let people know where you're representing.

38. You wouldn't be seen dead in Sugar Hut anymore.

39. Because some of the local celebrities are just cringeworthy *cough* Jodie Marsh *cough*.

40. Everybody has a story about rubbing shoulders with Keith from The Prodigy at the pub one time.

41. There was no better V Festival line-up than the year you went.

42. As soon as you venture further north, you're outraged at the prices you pay at home for a vodka lemonade.

43. And even though you like to joke about it, you know that Essex is full of some of the friendliest people.

44. Not to mention the fact that we all know a bloke from Basildon who can sort out just about anything.

45. So there will always be a special place in your heart for #EssexLife.

46. And you'll never stop pronouncing it "Essix".

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