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35 Sentences You'll Recognise If You Have An Essex Mum

"Essex just isn't what it used to be."

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1. "Get your shoes on love, we're off for a nice family day out." — Just before a trip to North Weald Market.

2. "Bloody Londoners. They can dish it out but they can't take it." — Any time anyone from London did anything even slightly negative.

3. "We're actually from the nice part of Essex love, we're practically Suffolk you know." — If you're from North Essex.

4. "We're actually from the posher part of Essex love, we're practically in London." — If you're from South Essex.

5. "Essex just isn't what it used to be." — Any time anything bad happens in Essex, ever.

6. "Oh go on then, love: I'll have a cheeky wine." — When looking for an excuse to drink on a week night.

7. "Oh, give it a rest for Christ's sake!" — When you wanted her to take you into town.

8. "You're getting on my wick!" — Whenever you pissed her off.

9. "You and me are gonna fall out today, mate!" — When you were dicking around in Tescos.

10. "Gordon Bennett." — Any time she felt uncomfortable using God's name in vain but you were getting on her wick.


11. "I'm not being funny love, but..." — When she was about to give you a few home truths.

12. "I've got a feeling something's going to kick off here." — Whenever shit was going to hit the fan on Eastenders.

13. "Well, your Auntie Pam was always a bit of a girl in her day." — When she's slagging off your Auntie Pam to your sister and you ask why.

14. "You know, Mick was quite the lad in his day." — When she was looking for an excuse to drag up dramas from her childhood.

15. "And you can shut your trap un'all!" — When you tried to get your sibling in more shit when she was already telling them off.

16. "Oi! I wanna word with you." — When you were about to get a massive bollocking.

17. "Oh, he'll have the right hump with me now!" — Whenever she upset someone but wanted to keep her chill about it.

18. "If you get nicked, I shan't be impressed." — Whenever you left the house.

19. "Bloody hell, the old bill are over at Maureen's house. I wonder what her Jimmy has got himself into now! Forever causing trouble that boy." — When she was peeking through the curtains at the neighbours.

20. "Will you just STOP being so bloody lairy all the time." — Whenever you got over excited about something and she could not deal.


21. "Well I'm not 'avin' that." — When someone well and truly pissed her off.

22. "Oh bloody hell, this is just too much agro." — Whenever she wanted to get out of doing something.

23. "At the end of the day…" — When she was about to shut everything down and win the argument.

24. "Don't say ain't! You sound common as muck." — When she had recently watched anything to do with The Royal Family.

25. "Corr, I wish he would just do one. I want to put my jim jams on." — When a neighbour outstayed their welcome.

26. "Let's catch up Liz! It'll be nice to have a good natter won't it?" — When she wanted gossip from Liz.

27. "It's been yonks since I've seen your friend Sam, have you two had a bit of a barney?" — When she was trying to stick her oar into your business.

28. "She's not really my cup of tea to be honest." — When she was trying to keep her opinions to herself.

29. "Oi misses, stop being so gobby for once in your life!" — When you pulled her up on a valid point.

30. "That Peter Andre's a bit of alright 'int he?" — Any time she watched Katie Price and Peter Andre's reality TV shows.

31. "Oh, don't mind him, he's just throwing a wobbly because.." — When you were pissed off with her and a neighbour popped over for a cuppa.

32. "And what exactly did your last slave die of?!" — When you asked her to do anything after 4pm.

33. "What are you walking around with a face like a slapped arse for?" — When you did anything other than walk around the house with a beaming smile on your face.

34. "Let's have a butch then!" — When she wanted to have a nosy at the neighbours through the window but you were in her way.

35. "What are you rabbiting on about now?!" — When she didn't really care what you were saying but the noises you were making were winding her up.