60 Times I Laughed And/Or Gasped In Horror While Reading The "Bachelor" Book
Bachelor winner Courtney Robertson's new book, I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends, about the show and her relationship with Ben Flajnik, is the stuff of nightmares.
1. Courtney Robertson begins her book with the show's end — the day of Ben's proposal (and the dumping of Lindzi) in the stunning Swiss Alps. What was Courtney thinking at the time?
2. As the show's climax approached, Courtney did not want to think about her rival, Lindzi, who apparently was prone to making jokes about her last name, Cox.
3. In the book's prologue, Courtney also engages in self-reflection.
4. It was all worth it for Ben, though.
5. Or was it? Finally officially together, if still under the veil of secrecy, Courtney begins to get to know Ben off-camera in the days after the proposal. He doesn't seem to want to be alone with her, and also...
6. It's foreboding. Prologue over. We find out about Courtney's young life, growing up in a close family in Scottsdale, Ariz., Dawson's Creek caused her sexual awakening.
7. She began to date, and found a boyfriend of sorts: "The golf course became our go-to spot for many future fellatio fests."
8. She was becoming a woman! In every way.
"I had an absolutely gigantic bush. Nobody ever told me or taught me how to shave down there."
9. Her boyfriend had opinions about her body. "After he put his hand down my pants during the movie Shrek, he made a stinkface, said 'Whoa!' and requested that I tame the beast."
10. Never the best student, Courtney decided to go into modeling. She did well, and made a great living.
11. Based in Los Angeles, and single, Courtney met Adrian Grenier and Jesse Metcalfe at the same time. (She seems to have a type.)
"The next day, I got a text from Adrian, who made good on that dinner invite. I said yes, but truthfully wasn't that excited about it. I really wished it'd been Jesse."
12. Revelation No. 1 about Adrian Grenier: He did not know how to pronounce "Prius."
13. Revelation No. 2 about Adrian Grenier: Though she never had "actual sex" with him, "He had the biggest penis I'd ever seen — and the biggest bush! Even though we had that in common, it just was never meant to be."
14. Nor were things perfect with Jesse Metcalfe.
15. And: "Jesse was also, by his own admission, an alcoholic and an addict."
16. On another note, Courtney decided to get implants. "I absolutely love them and would highly recommend implants to any woman who doesn't like being flat chested and wants to feel sexier. So there."
17. She also became obsessed with The Bachelor during the Brad Womack season (his second one, I believe). A fan of the show, and particularly of Ben during Ashley Hebert's Bachelorette run, she decided to apply.
18. "It was official. I was going on The Bachelor, one of the most iconic shows in the history of television."
19. She disliked nearly everybody on first sight.
20. Neither Monica nor Blakeley made a good impression either.
21. During Ben's season, they traveled to a different place every week rather than staying in one house. It was a tense situation with physical repercussions.
22. As filming went on, Courtney became more vilified by most of the cast, though Ben seemed to like her. She didn't try much with the other ladies.
23. Also, they tended to self-destruct. "When Ben gingerly told Blakeley to give him some space, she ended up crouching in the fetal position in a corner of the luggage room sobbing."
24. "Rumor had it that our cast was the drunkest the producers had ever seen."
25. There was a lot of downtime. "With absolutely nothing else to do, I journaled for two hours."
26. When Shawntel Newton, a contestant from a previous season, showed up as a surprise because she liked Ben, everyone revolted.
"When we figured out who she was, everyone completely fell apart. We're talking crying, cursing, criticizing her thighs. It was ugly."
Ben sent Shawntel home.
27. Things weren't all bad, though. "Kacie B was the first one who figured out how to poo."
28. Courtney ordered laxatives. But before they came, she spent some time hating Emily.
29. The laxatives worked before and during the baseball date. "My rear end was making such crazy loud noises I was dying laughing and crying out in pain at the same time."
30. Courtney focused some hatred on Kacie B, a key rival. She maybe regrets it a little?
31. She began plotting alone time with Ben, enlisting producers. She invited him to go skinny dipping. "I wanted to make sure Ben was spontaneous and fun. I need to be honest here: I also wanted to check out the equipment."
32. "To answer your question, yes, Ben and I did have sex in the ocean. On-camera. It was immediate but it was only for about twenty seconds and, um, it was just the tip."
33. Having sex with Ben, however briefly, reminded Courtney that she loves sex. At her next stop, "I wanted Calgon to take me away, hint hint."
34. Courtney was ready to leave communal living behind. "I had such a strong hatred for the girls by this point and they hated me back just as passionately."
"Rachel told me about Kacie B and Nicki's witch-hunt during their date, so when I left for my date, I infamously shouted at them, 'Bye! Can't stand you all!'"
35. "After the champagne toast with the final four — Lindzi, Nicki, Kacie B, and me — it hit me like Chris Brown. I was done living with the other girls!"
36. It was time for her hometown date. Ben came to Scottsdale. "When Ben arrived, he was having a bad hair day. He looked like Francine from those Arthur cartoons on PBS, and yet I was still very attracted to him."
37. Having made it through the hometown dates, the three remaining contestants — Courtney, Nicki, and Lindzi — went to Switzerland. Fantasy Suite time. More sex!
38. As with Jesse Metcalfe before him, Ben did not really impress Courtney. "Our sex was pretty good, but pretty textbook."
"We did every position under the sun, but I believe I sealed the deal when we successfully completed the reverse cowgirl."
Jessie (pictured above) is not the cowgirl she means! When you use Google image search for "cowgirl," by the way, it's a real mixed bag.
39. Finale time. "Now that Ben had become acquainted with my vagina, naturally it was time for me to get acquainted with his mother."
40. Now engaged, Courtney and Ben began their lives together, but had to keep the result a secret. As we know from the Nemo incident in the prologue, things started out rocky.
41. They just didn't get along all that well when they'd see each other during secret "Happy Couple" weekends.
42. When the show premiered, their relationship got much worse. Ben turned on her for her on-camera behavior. Paparazzi began to follow Courtney, and their relationship became glossy magazine fodder.
"I was called 'a flaming bag of cunt' by one commenter." And: "I was getting less work since the show had started airing." Their relationship barely existed. "I finally stopped crying. I was over Ben Flajnik and his bullshit."
43. Basically broken up, Courtney had to face the other women at the taping of the "Women Tell All" episode. She decided to try to be totally contrite. It didn't necessarily work.
44. In an unlikely turn, after the taping, Courtney and Ben went to a "Happy Couple" house and got back together. He apologized. "I'm embarrassed to say that's all it took for me to cave."
45. Soon, Ben found out what it was like to be the target of the gossip press.
46. This relationship was clearly the worst. Why in god's name were they sticking with it?
"There was no way I was going to give up now. That'd be like Sid in An Officer and a Gentleman and we all know how that ended. He went DOR with less than two weeks until graduation, and then killed himself."
47. Things didn't get better after they could come out as a couple. No one was rooting for them.
48. Hard up for work because no one wanted to cast the villain from The Bachelor as a model, Courtney got offered an alternate spot on Dancing With the Stars.
49. According to Courtney, Ben's life in San Francisco involved 1) partying 2) promoting his winery 3) always having a lot of people around.
50. During a trip to New York, things were particularly strained between them. "Kris Humphries, who had just broken up with wife Kim Kardashian after seventy-two days of marriage, was at a nearby table and I remember feeling a kinship with him."
51. "Ben had some pet peeves when it came to me —"
52. "He even told me I was naïve once for not realizing that he'd done the show to promote his winery."
53. "On a more serious level, I didn't feel like Ben was as sexually charged as I'm used to and he seemed dispassionate. The chemistry just wasn’t there anymore. A few times, I'm sorry to say, I resorted to faking orgasms."
54. It's hard, after all, to be a Bachelor couple. You're pretty much engaged to a stranger you met under absurd circumstances.
55. Courtney developed a flirtation with Arie Luyendyk Jr., a runner-up in Emily's Bachelorette season.
56. Things were confusing with Ben. He told her, "I have baby fever!" but she didn't want to get excited. "Ben had recently joined not one, but two co-ed softball teams."
57. In the end, Courtney was the one who committed the final sin. "I'd just left my fiancé alone on his birthday, after his dog died. This was very bad."
58. She went home to Arizona to hide at her parents' house and reevaluate her shell of a life. Coincidentally, Arie Luyendyk Jr. lived nearby, and came over.
59. When Ben found out about Arie and Courtney, it got ugly in the press.
"He said that he owed an apology to the women on the show for not believing them. That he dodged a bullet."
Courtney also had regrets: "I was so disappointed in myself for the way I'd handled everything and couldn't face the world."