1.
Just found a penguin skeleton in the road. Poor little fella 😢
2.
i pulled out my insulin pump in class and sarah leans over and goes “is that the new iphone 10!?”. fuck u sarah it’s diabetes
3.
White people when Mr. Brightside starts playing at a party
4.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
5.
My 6yo Santa skeptic was told to write a letter to Santa at school. So he did...
6.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
7.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
8.
tell us how the fuck santa gets to all them houses in one day
9.
date: is this because i called Leonardo the red one me: [driving her home early] I'm just tired
10.
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
11.
The Ring (2002)
12.
the title of my memoir
13.
HER: I'm leaving you ME: why HER: u lie to me constantly ME: ha! u don't just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
14.
me: u ok babe? babe: oink
15.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
16.
“SANDRA CAN YOU OPEN THIS FUCKING THING BIT OF A SITUATION HERE”
17.
“Did you cum?” Yeah out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine
18.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today? boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri
19.
[stuart little stops next to me at the light in his fuckin sweet ass little red car] my gf, immediately: i think we should see other people
20.
Worst. Perfume. Name. Ever.
21.
me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
22.
23.
[meeting girlfriend's parents] her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then? me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
24.
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
25.
26.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
27.
Rare image of a shark stepping on a Lego.