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    27 Tweets That WOULD Make Parents Laugh If They Weren't Already So Exhausted

    "My kid can tell me about a 24-minute episode of Paw Patrol in 76 minutes."


    best part of working from home is having your 5y/o run in while you're on a conference call and cry "I accidentally peed in the wrong place"


    5 yr old son: Mommy, I forgot that I shouldn't pick my nose. But it's ok, I put it back in my nose after. He says while holding my hand.


    A lone Sharpie lid: one of the most terrifying things a parent can find


    Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.



    I'm sorry fitness experts, but there is no better strength test than trying to put a coat and pair of shoes on a toddler.


    i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.


    A law degree wouldn't help you win an argument with a toddler that a purple crayon is not green.


    Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week- Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.


    Friend: what’s it like having kids? Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock. Friend: that’s not so bad. Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.


    Cops that pullover minivans are assholes. Like driving around five fucking kids isn’t punishment enough


    Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one...that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.


    My 3-year-old has figured out how to be super annoying without actually misbehaving. How quickly the student becomes the teacher.


    5: daddy can I tell you a secret? Me: sure thing buddy 5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands


    Left my kids alone in the bathtub for literally 30 seconds only to find one of them eating out of the garbage can and the other eating out of the toilet.


    Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half. An M&M. In half.


    The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.


    I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.


    Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.


    Before I was a parent I didn't realize it was possible for someone to talk about hula hoops for 15 minutes.


    Say what you will, but it's a fact that throwing a birthday party with 35 seven yr olds is way more exhausting than competing in an Iron Man


    Don't sweat the small stuff. Unless it's a 4yo caught walking around your house with an open container of grape juice.


    My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 76 minutes.


    The average child uses 16,000 feet of scotch tape in a day.


    Every meal with my kids is 15 hours long.


    It’s the first day of summer break and my kids are on #72 of the 75 fun summer activities we had planned.


    And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.