2.
one time in high school we had a spirit day called jersey day where people were supposed to wear sports gear to school but i came dressed as snooki instead
5.
i finally reunited with my grandpa after 15 years and the first thing he shows me is a picture of 5-year old me that he’s kept in his wallet ever since😭
6.
When I said my parents were supportive, I wasn’t kidding 😂😂
7.
I could never forgive myself if I didn’t share this with the world.
8.
So my moms name is Sue Hartford and her birthday is on April 20th, but cmon Mom you really couldn’t think of a better email name than “shart420@gmail.com”
9.
10.
![[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1058007612657156096/nqWJe5yJ_normal.jpg)
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory] ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to— ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
11.
customer: can you check for it in the back? me: sure! me, in the back:
12.
AXL ROSE: Watch it bring you to your shun-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees! I want to watch you bleed! ME: You know what, you actually haven’t made me feel welcome in this jungle at all.
13.
my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"
14.
i can feel he comin in the air tonight oh lawd
15.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
16.
dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside n they want em
17.
you: let’s get this bread j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
18.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly sales clerk: very good sir horse: *quietly* I'll need two pairs sales clerk: *discretely* of course
19.
when i was 6 i named my animal crossing character “sex” and couldn’t change it back so panicked, went outside the next day and smashed the game card with a hammer i have lived with this my whole life
20.
me reading a scientific study: hmmm i am skeptical of this me finding a folded potato chip in the bag: ohhh time to make a wish
21.
adam driver looks like someone tried to draw keanu reeves from memory.
22.
(i get kidnapped and thrown in the back of a car but we drive past some horses) me, pointing: hrmphses
23.
i know the internet has fundamentally broken me cause i just laughed about this for a solid 45 seconds
24.
My cat did not want to be at the vet today. So he kept sticking his head in this trash hole. I died.
25.
Little secret about me: my answer to the question “would you like a receipt” is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time
26.
I can't stop watching this...
27.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually
