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How "Harry Potter" Would Be Different In Canada

The sorting hat would be a toque.

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1. Harry's Hogwarts letters would all have been lost by Canada Post.

2. Hagrid would tell Harry "Vous êtes un magicien, 'Arry."

3. Instead of being half-giant, Hagrid would be half-Bonhomme.

4. Harry's vault in Gringott's would be filled with loonies and toonies.

5. The Hogwarts Express would be a VIA train and it would take days to cross Canada to get to Hogwarts.


6. Platform 9 ¾ would constantly be under construction.

7. Hedwig would be a Canada goose.

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8. The sorting hat would be a toque.

9. Dumbledore would reward the Hogwarts houses with Shoppers Optimum points.

10. The Defence Against the Dark Arts class would feature a special unit on operating a wand while wearing mittens.

11. Wizards would use magic to remove snow from the streets.

12. Stephen Harper would be the Minister of Magic.

13. Butterbeer would be called Maplebeer...


14. ...And everyone would have to go to Quebec to drink it.

15. Harry's invisibility cloak would be a Hudson's Bay blanket.

16. Instead of playing a life-sized game of chess, Harry, Ron, and Hermione would have to go curling.

17. "10 points to Gryffindor" would actually be worth 20.5 points with the exchange rate.

18. The house elves would be represented by CUPE.

19. The Daily Prophet would feature celebrity gossip from Ben Mulroney.

20. Tom Riddle's diary would be written in both English and French.

21. Harry's date with Cho Chang in Hogsmeade would take place at Tim Hortons.

22. Bertie Bott's flavours would include All-Dressed, Ketchup, and Swiss Chalet Sauce.

23. Instead of a giant squid inhabiting the Great Lake, it would be Ogopogo.

24. Sirius Black would drive a flying dogsled.

25. Fleur Delacour and the other wizards from Beauxbatons Academy of Magic would be Quebecois.

26. Hermione would attend the Yule Ball with Drake...

27. ...Who would then write a rap after Hermione broke up with him.


28. The fifth book would be titled Harry Potter and the Order of the Beaver.

29. The Ministry of Magic would implement carpool lanes during the Quidditch World Cup.

30. When Canada lost the Quidditch World Cup, wizards would riot in the streets.

31. Harry's patronus would be a moose.

32. Instead of hiding in the Forest of Dean, Harry, Ron, and Hermione would camp out in Algonquin Park.

33. Luna Lovegood's isolated house would be in the middle of Saskatchewan.

34. Harry wouldn't have been able to collect Snape's tears because they would have frozen first.

35. Conrad the Toronto raccoon would have been brought back to life with the resurrection stone.

36. Years after defeating Voldemort, when Harry takes his son Albus to catch the Hogwarts Express for the first time, platform 9 ¾ would still be under construction.