1. On professionalism:
2. On medicine:
[at proctologist] ME: not to ASSume DOC: donât M: butt I've ANALyzed this D: please stop M: and your job is a real BUMmer D: *isn't gentle*
3. On technology:
[ca. 1440] GUTENBERG: beholdâthe printing press ME: can it print 'butts' G: it can print anything ME: can you print 'butts'. just to test it
4. On dating:
[first date] "So, what do you do?" "Im an accountant." [sips wine] "Yeah, I meant like, ya know, butt stuff? Do you do butt stuff?"
5. On finding love:
"You: stopped to admire how good ur butt looked in the shadow on that building." -a missed connection that has prob been a written about me
6. On potential:
Did you know humans only use like 8% of their butts?
7. On fingers:
Amber Rose: smell my finger me: ok *sniff* ew that's Kanye's butt lol Amber Rose: lol me: let me smell it again
8. On realism:
Back to the Future 2 would have been a lot more realistic if more of the characters in 2015 took photos of their own butts.
9. On confessions:
10. On priorities:
Work hard, be kind, and great things will happen. Also, eat a little butt. Butt may be the most important, actually. Shoulda led with butt.
11. On poetry:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways 1. dat cute butt End of list
12. On allure:
Butts are a captivating body part because they are both a sex object and also something that you poop out of: dangerous, yet seductive.
13. On double standards:
how come my mum is a hero for showing her dragon tattoo to kids but i'm a sex criminal for showing my butt to the elderly
14. On autocorrect:
my phone autocorrected "but why" to "BUTT STUFF" while texting my boss, how's everyone else's day going
15. On beauty:
i bet whoever came up with the phrase "butt-ugly" has never even seen a butt.
16. On intrusive thoughts:
17. On misunderstandings:
No, sir, I am not making eye contact, I am admiring my butt in the reflection of your sunglasses, how could you believe otherwise.
18. On language:
Still not over the fact that the words posterity and rectify have absolutely nothing to do with butt stuff. Who invented this language?
19. On shopping:
ME: I'd like to try some butt stuff DELI EMPLOYEE: What the fuck man WIFE: Ugh. He means he wants a rump roast ME: You ruin everything honey
20. On opinions:
opinions are like butts. everyone's got one but if you're a total fuckhead people won't show you theirs unless in anger
21. On science:
kind of crazy to think every single butt on this earth is, scientifically speaking, completely perfect
22. On religion:
23. On contentment:
*remembers butts* Hell yeah, dude.