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    Updated on Sep 29, 2018. Posted on Sep 27, 2018

    50 Hilarious Tweets To Read When You're Totally Checked Out At Work

    "I don’t even open my front facing camera anymore, what I look like is none of my business."

    1.

    Some asshole fish crawled out of the water 35 million years ago and thanks to him we have staff meetings.

    2.

    look if you’re gonna invite someone over to “watch a movie” you better pick a movie no one gives a shit about. once a guy picked “National Treasure” and guess what we did? watched the entire movie bc it’s flame. guess what we did not do.

    3.

    A "Purge" comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person's life until the murder would be legal.

    4.

    After years of searching I finally found my Tamagotchi. He has a wife and 2 daughters. Owns a plumbing business out in Scottsdale. Doesnt want anything to do with me.

    5.

    My dog Philby has to take allergy meds everyday but he doesn’t need to know that.

    6.

    YES I sleep in my socks if the monster under my bed wants to see these precious little feets then he's gonna have to Venmo me just like everyone else

    7.

    shipmate: captain! watch out we’re headed straight for the lighthouse captain, who is a moth: fuck yeah we are

    8.

    Single at 23: “I have to go out and meet someone!” Single at 29: “If it’s meant to be the right person will find me in my home.”

    9.

    wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick

    10.

    when i was in 3rd grade i brought a snack and my teacher said “do you have enough for the whole class?” and i said no and then he told me to throw them out so the next day i brought 27 packs of cheezits for the whole class and that’s when i became a communist fuck you mr. hoover

    11.

    [first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

    12.

    I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently... I have new ideas 😭

    13.

    The dj really said “where my 2000s babies at” and the crowd went wild. That’s when I knew it was time for me to go home.

    14.

    my girlfriend was looking for a shirt to wear from MY closet and had the audacity to say “we need more shirts”

    15.

    My favorite past time is telling people how cheap I got something for when they compliment it. Person: Your shoes are cute Me: Girl, $5!!!

    16.

    i don’t even open my front facing camera anymore what i look like is none of my business

    17.

    Me: can i pet your dog? Stranger: no Me, to another stranger: can i pet your dog? Stranger: no Demon: boss what’s this? Satan: she’s in a simulation, way better than our usual brand of torture look at her ha ha Me: *scream crying* WHY WON’T ANYONE LET ME PET THEIR DOG

    18.

    I'm a LIBRA so you know what that means: my bones are BAD but my skin is GOOD, my fingers are LONG and my pets are MISSING, I don't AGE but I do WEAKEN WITH TIME, I can't FEEL PAIN but I SORT OF CAN?, and if you can't handle that, sweetie, there's the TOWEL I use as a DOOR 💅

    19.

    This is the worst party I’ve ever been to

    20.

    I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal

    21.

    acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

    22.

    BRILLIANT, SENSITIVE, WARM, FUNNY, ACCOMPLISHED WOMAN: Have you met my boyfriend? *Gestures to grunting, fanged, drooling mini-eldritch abomination wearing only a t-shirt that says “JIZZ”* WOMAN: He has a podcast

    23.

    in 2007 if you wore a long sleeve t-shirt under a regular t-shirt it meant that you liked music

    24.

    Bruce Wayne didn’t become Batman until he was 30 It doesn’t matter how old you are There’s still time for a full blown dramatic goth phase

    25.

    LOOK ARE OUR FACES SUPPOSED TO BE SHINY OR NOT? I GOT MATTE MAKEUP TO STOP LOOKING OILY AND I GOT HIGHLIGHTER TO LOOK LIKE A MARBLE STATUE AND NOW I SHOULD BE HIGHLIGHTING MY NOSE TOO? I CAN'T BE THE SUN AND ALSO THE MOON. THIS COUNTRY IS FINISHED.

    26.

    [Plato returns from the dead] Plato: so who's that girl, are you together? Me: nah, it's purely platonic. Plato: ...what does platonic mean? Me: it means we don't have sex. Plato: what the fuck

    27.

    100 level course prof: Attendance is mandatory, no phones allowed, 12 hours of homework/week, also we have 5 exams and one is in 9 days 500 level course prof: I illegally downloaded the texbook, I'll send you the link. text me if you need anything. Do you guys wanna go kayaking?

    28.

    [restaurant] RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you? RACCOON: t-two eggs? WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs! WAITER: *eyes narrow*

    29.

    when ur lesbian friend is looking good: lesbién

    30.

    5 sips into every La Croix I remember that they taste like someone else’s Skittles burp and I bail

    31.

    Bisexuality is often misunderstood because it’s unclear whether it means being attracted to twice a gender or once every two genders.

    32.

    WIFE: How was the rap battle? ME: [removing hand puppet] I lost

    33.

    Her: come over Me: I’m busy Her: my parents aren’t home ;) Me: I know Her: What Me: I’m hanging with your parents Her: What Me: Craig says fuck u lmao

    34.

    at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid

    35.

    he was a trader joe she said see you later joe

    36.

    37.

    *coffee shop* me: hi can i get some tea barista: sure. chai? me: no barista: green? me: no barista: our manager is fucking our stock boy and her husband has no idea me: thank you

    38.

    Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

    39.

    WHAT ARE WE? SAD! WHAT’RE WE GONNA DO? BUY THINGS! WILL IT HELP? TEMPORARILY !

    40.

    Men: seriously why do you need such a big bag????? Also men: can I put this in your bag

    41.

    My girlfriend will be like "you suck at decorating" and then confidently put three twigs in an old milk jug.

    42.

    Guns N' Roses have really mellowed with age

    43.

    transition lenses are the cargo shorts of the face

    44.

    DERMATOLOGIST: Your skin looks very young. ME: I’ve never smiled.

    45.

    do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

    46.

    You're allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don't care. They're there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.

    47.

    friend: i'm 20 me: oh cool friend: i was born in 1998 me, realizing i am talking to a small infant child: ah hold the fuck up

    48.

    thinking about camomile tea: oh yeah i love it, the calming drink actually drinking camomile tea: the hot hay water has not relaxed me

    49.

    Brain cell 1: say have a nice day Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one Mouth: Haven gice done

    50.

    [holding my new born son] me: he’s beautiful doctor: we’re gonna have to give him some shots me: oh hell yeah pour up it’s his fucking birthday

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