1.
Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure
2.
When the moon hits your knees And you mispronounce trees Sycamore
3.
[first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
4.
Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now Hedgehog: no
5.
It’s called synesthesia, maybe you’ve tasted it
6.
*using Ouija board* "hello, is there anyone there" *Y* *O* *U* *U* *U* *U* "ah damnit this is a Soulja board*
7.
Every guy I know named Hunter looks more like a gatherer.
8.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have? Cat: Shot of rum. [Bartender pours it] [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar] Cat: Another.
9.
Me: how do I do my taxes Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
10.
Him: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.
11.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
12.
What's made of brass, and, sounds like Tom Jones?Trombones.
13.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
14.
[After losing a rap battle] "How did he get a hold of my credit score?"
15.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You also miss 92% of the shots you take. You're off the team, is what I'm trying to say.
16.
*i walk in the room with hot dogs taped to my fingers like wolverine* Mark Cuban: I'm listening
17.
HACKER: (looking through my computer) How many times can this guy search "nude Grimace," he's already naked.
18.
911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
19.
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.