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Break Up With This Guy And We'll Tell You Who You're Going To Date Next

It's not me, it's you.

Posted on

This is Marcus. You've been dating him for a little while, but enough is enough! You're going to dump him TODAY. But be careful, because how you break up with him will determine who you're going to date next.

  1. First, how are you going to do it?
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    Over the phone
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    Over text
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    In person, in public
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    In person, in private
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    Through a friend
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    Through several very public social media posts
  2. How do you open the conversation?
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    "We need to talk."
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    "So, I've been thinking..."
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    "ATTENTION FUCKBOY."
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    "Hey."
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    "Remember how much fun it was to be single?
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    "I'm dumping you."
  3. What reason do you give him for breaking up?
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    "I'm not ready for a relationship."
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    "I think I like you TOO much."
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    "You're the worst."
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    "My feelings have changed."
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    "I'm not actually into dudes."
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    "I was hoping I'd like you more by now, but I don't."
  4. What's the ACTUAL reason you're breaking up?
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    He's bad in bed.
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    He's TOO close with his mom, if you know what I mean.
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    He's too needy.
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    He only listens to Phish.
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    You hate his friends.
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    Exactly what you told him it was.
  5. He starts crying. What do you do?
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    Hug him.
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    Pat him on the shoulder.
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    Stare at him.
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    Cry with him.
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    Make fun of him.
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    Roll your eyes.
  6. Now he's getting angry. How do you react?
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    Get angry right back.
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    Stay calm and diffuse the situation.
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    Let him vent his anger.
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    Throw stuff at him.
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    Call his mom so she can yell at him.
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    So much crying. So much.
  7. He asks if you two can stay friends. What do you say?
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    "Yes," and mean it.
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    "Yes," and don't mean it.
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    "Maybe later on, but not now."
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    "I have enough friends."
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    "Absolutely not, and never."
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    Nothing, you just laugh.
  8. What do you do in the wake of the breakup?
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    Spend some time working on yourself.
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    Spread vicious rumors about him.
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    Immediately get back on Tinder.
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    Move to a different city completely.
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    Get a drastic haircut.
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    Cry a lot out of guilt.
  9. Oh, and you decided to keep something of his in the breakup. What was it?
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    Via Getty
    Hoodie
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    Via Microsoft
    Xbox
    Via Microsoft
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    Via Getty
    Bicycle
    Via Getty
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    Via Getty
    Car
    Via Getty
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    Via Getty
    Grandmother's ring
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    Via Getty
    Dog
    Via Getty
 
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