42 Thoughts I Had While Getting My IUD
"Is the Magic School Bus inside me?"
1. I'm doing it! This is it!
2. Is that a cigarette box? Oh, no, that's the IUD.
3. Ever notice how IUD is one letter away from IED?
4. Why does this pamphlet say no one really knows how they work?
5. Everything is going to be fine.
6. Can I get an epidural for this? No?
7. Anesthesia? Sure!
8. Your ceiling has 20 tiles!
9. Oh my god, you're putting that needle where?
10. MY HEART IS EXPLODING.
11. That's normal? I don't want to see your definition of "bonkers."
12. Oh no, is that rod a relative of Cold Metal Duck Friend?
13. You're done? The flux capacitor is in?
14. Hey, I feel all right!
15. I'm queen of my uteral castle, and I'm ordering me to bring me a doughnut.
16. Adieu, pills and rings and latex! Suck it, mood swings!
17. Wait, something in my babymaking unit is not happy.
18. Is a seagull trying to peck its way out of my body?
19. My insides are shriveling like the Wicked Witch of the West.
20. I'd like to see a guy deal with this with his duderus.
21. How do I relay that I am dying to my boyfriend without inducing panic?
22. Is the Magic School Bus inside me?
23. Tell Ms. Frizzle to quit cavorting around in my lady bits.
24. Did the bus just expand to its regular size inside my cervix?
25. I'm pretty sure it did. Hang onto your pants, kids.
26. Day 10 of a period. I haven't seen this much blood since Game of Thrones.
27. Scratch that: The Shining.
28. Clean up on aisle ovary.
29. Next time someone asks me my religion, I am writing in "science" because of ibuprofen.
30. Well, can't do much right now. Might as well inhale an entire season of something.
31. And some pizza.
32. Hey, significant other, I'm taking one for the team here, so can you bring me all the food?
33. And maybe eight more heating pads?
34. I could move my feet for you to pass, or you could rub them.
35. Actually don't stop or I am going to wedge a T-shaped thing into your manhood.
36. So. Tired.
37. How do I explain to my manager that I've had more blood loss than the Red Wedding?
38. Although the bizarro PMS seems to be alleviating after a few months.
39. Holy crap, I feel like a normal human again.
40. A fully functioning, side-effects-free humanoid.
41. What's that, 7 p.m. alarm? I can't hear you over enjoying my pill-free life.
42. What a time to be alive.