You fixate on plot holes during movies.You require constant breaks from the smallest interactions.You’ve developed a series of polite sounds that kill smalltalk in its tracks.People have asked you if anything is wrong when you’re just hanging out.You don't like loud laughers.Is anything even that funny?You don’t understand why people have a constant stream of sound coming out of their face slot.Bathrooms are your happy place.You’re elated when plans are canceled.And are sure to emphasize to friends that it’s really OK if they can’t make it.Because you’d rather be hibernating anyway.Your favorite thing to do is stay at home.Festivals are the worst.You dread long encores at concerts.And the inevitable back pain that ensues after standing for hours.You’ve never tried drugs (other than alcohol or pot) out of fear you’ll die.You sometimes like traffic because you have a lesser likelihood of dying.You can’t go on a rollercoaster without thinking “This is it.”Actually you’re surprised you’ve made it this far in life without dying.The word “celebrate” can strike fear into your heart.What are you doing for the Super Bowl? Sleeping, probably.You cringe when you see coaches get Gatorade dumped on them, especially when it's cold outside.You don’t like balloons because of their potential to give you a small fright.You avoid themed parties.Halloween is a difficult time for you.You can’t physically bring yourself to throw recyclable things away at a party.And sometimes stash them in your bag to recycle later.You can’t throw any plastic ware out without picturing it rotting in a landfill for decades to come.Confetti is just a thousand little things to clean up later.You hate parades.You hate New Year's.You hate having to talk about New Year's plans.You don’t like talking about celebrities.You’ve never squealed when you see someone you haven’t seen in years.You don’t understand what all this need for hugging people you don't know well is.And feel obligated to hug everyone because it’s cultural.You’ll consider going to a party if the host has a dog.You’ll consider going to a party if your extroverted friend who loves to talk is going.You’re not the life of the party because you don’t want the honor.The thought of clubbing is exhausting.Or anything that starts after 9 p.m.You don’t like beaches.Or getting into the water with mystery plants that wrap around you and make you feel like sushi.You don’t like shopping.Or karaoke.You don't like musicals.Or people who break out into song.Irish goodbyes are your jam.And you wish you could Irish goodbye phone calls, too.When you arrive at a party, you bolt for alcohol, aka social lubricant.But there's nothing better than when you've had the perfect amount and time flies.Because yes, admit it: You're having fun.
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