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21 Reasons You're 30 And Single

You do you girl. You don't need no man.

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1. You consider brunching one of your best skills.

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We're not going unless it's bottomless. Just saying.

2. Your favorite part of the day is when you get to take off your pants.

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Let your lady breathe and experience true comfort. It's your house. Do what you want. I'll start wearing pants when we have a woman as President.

3. When people get pregnant you say "I'm Sorry."

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They made a decision and have to live with the cute little consequence.

4. You have an unnatural relationship with the "Bachelor".

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It's so wonderful to tune in every Monday night to see a bunch of super hot people get wasted and try to find love. I take the same approach...just no one cares.

5. The staff at Chipotle knows your name.

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The closest Chipotle will bring you to love is that little burrito baby you will be carrying for the next week.

6. You're not afraid to wait for the right person.

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We love being alone and are prepared to hold out for Mr. Right. If we get really lonely we can just order Dominos. The drivers are usually super nice.

7. You go weeks without shaving your legs.

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I shave my legs under two circumstances...when your girl is gonna get some booty and when at the bottom of a deep hole where some guy in a mask is asking me to put lotion on.

8. You have your own money.

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If you want to spend $300 on Kylie lip kits then by all means...let it rain.

9. You talk about your dog like she's your life partner.

Charlie woke me up with the best kiss this morning and then we had a beautiful brunch in bed and then we went for a walk by the lake...we're really happy.

10. You talk about your dog like she is your child.

I'll just say it. Being a single parent is hard.

11. You eat what you want.

There is no song and dance needed. When you want something you go get it.

12. You're not impressed with the fellas on dating apps.

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No Peter I don't want to come over to your fucking house. I have no idea who you are and it's 10 pm and you're probably going to murder me. Oh wait...you have pizza? Give me 20.

13. You always try to make friends with people you buy things from on Craigslist.

Yes they were really nice in their emails. Yes they have a cool house. No...under no circumstances should you ask them to exchange numbers and go grab a beer...unless they're like really cute.

14. You still whip out that one statement piece that you've had since college for completely normal events.

If anyone ever tells you that it's not funny...they are jealous.

15. You can't be bothered by going out anymore.

Why spend the night buying drinks and standing around when I can lay on my couch and enjoy a whole bottle of wine I picked up for $4 at the gas station.

16. You're the life of the party...or at least you think you are

Anyone who doesn't get quotes from The Office or Stepbrothers is dead to me.

17. You're a classic over sharer.

You have every right to talk about the time you were cyber-bullied by a twelve year old.

18. You call wine "momma's juice".

You have kids? Nope. But momma still needs her juice.

19. You only go to the nicest establishments.

I will never stop going to taco bell. You can pry the Taco Bell Party Pack from my cold dead hands.

20. You're Successful.

You've spent the last 30 years being a bad ass #girlboss. You probably own a house, have a baller job and that intimidates those Tinder weirdos you've been spending your time on.

21. You are a REALLY good friend.

Despite being 30 and single, you can pride yourself on something. You are a pretty damn good friend and that counts for everything. So you go girl. You're person is out there just waiting for you to get off your couch and go find him. Or don't. You don't need no man.

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