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21 Reasons You're 30 And Single

You do you girl. You don't need no man.

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2. Your favorite part of the day is when you get to take off your pants.

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Let your lady breathe and experience true comfort. It's your house. Do what you want. I'll start wearing pants when we have a woman as President.

4. You have an unnatural relationship with the "Bachelor".

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It's so wonderful to tune in every Monday night to see a bunch of super hot people get wasted and try to find love. I take the same approach...just no one cares.

7. You go weeks without shaving your legs.

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I shave my legs under two circumstances...when your girl is gonna get some booty and when at the bottom of a deep hole where some guy in a mask is asking me to put lotion on.

9. You talk about your dog like she's your life partner.

Charlie woke me up with the best kiss this morning and then we had a beautiful brunch in bed and then we went for a walk by the lake...we're really happy.

12. You're not impressed with the fellas on dating apps.

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No Peter I don't want to come over to your fucking house. I have no idea who you are and it's 10 pm and you're probably going to murder me. Oh wait...you have pizza? Give me 20.

13. You always try to make friends with people you buy things from on Craigslist.

Yes they were really nice in their emails. Yes they have a cool house. No...under no circumstances should you ask them to exchange numbers and go grab a beer...unless they're like really cute.

21. You are a REALLY good friend.

Despite being 30 and single, you can pride yourself on something. You are a pretty damn good friend and that counts for everything. So you go girl. You're person is out there just waiting for you to get off your couch and go find him. Or don't. You don't need no man.

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