1. Congratulations on your wedding to that person you've known for 5 minutes.
2. Congrats on your promotion. You worked really hard...sucking up to the boss.
3. Congrats?...sorry?... congrats?...on your unplanned pregnancy.
4. Congrats, grad! You should've stayed in school forever.
5. Congrats on your new job! I will (not) miss you.
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