I Am A Recovering People-Pleaser, And Here Are 7 Lessons I've Learned So Far (And How They've Saved Me Some Money)

Spoiler alert: They aren't mad at me.

Navigating adulthood is hard. Navigating adulthood as a people-pleaser is even harder. If you're someone who knows the struggle of never being able to say no, you aren't alone. People-pleasing is a very real, very toxic thing.

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I am on my own journey of changing these habits and have learned a few valuable lessons along the way. My friendships and my money management have improved from this mindset shift! Here are my biggest takeaways:

1. People-pleasing is a habit that seeps into every facet of life. It impacts your mental, emotional, and even financial health.

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It's easy to look back in the rear-view mirror of people-pleasing and see how damaging this habit is to your psyche. One of the more tangible things I've come to realize is how it also can affect your financial health. We know that people-pleasing comes with the inability to say no, which means that many individuals struggling with this see their wallets take a major hit!

No one can afford it all — and no one should have to. If the debilitating state of your mental health isn't motive enough to change, a glance over some bank statements can be jarring.

2. People-pleasing is not synonymous with kindness. It's easy to convince yourself that these habits make you a good person, but this is a dangerous road...

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As a recovering people-pleaser, I can attest to how easy it is to mistake this habitual tendency for kindness. In fact, I spent years of early adulthood priding myself in my selfless and caring nature. These days, this strength can still ring true, but I've learned that there is a stark difference between doing something out of love and doing something to avoid someone being mad at you. (Spoiler alert: No one is actually mad at you.)

Therapist Erika Myers tells Healthline that people-pleasing goes beyond kindness. It includes “editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions," she says. 

"The urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs." Sounds like a great way to build resentment, right? 

3. That old cliché of learning to say "no" is wildly important.

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You hate conflict. You are a peacekeeper at your core. Sometimes it's easier just to dish out the money and say "yes" to that vacation you weren't really all that keen on...right? You love your friends, and you don't want to miss out on all the lifelong memories they will make at this one particular social event. What if skipping out means they decide you are the worst person on the planet and you lose a relationship?

Welcome to the brain of a people-pleaser. It's a scarier place than Stranger Things' Upside Down. I've learned that always agreeing to everything sets an extremely unhealthy standard in your friendships. You are setting a precedent that you're wildly available and always willing to make it work. In a world where things cost a lot of money, that's simply not possible!

Next time you don't want to spend money on something your friends want to do, stay strong! Learning to say "no" without totally beating yourself up internally takes practice, but your true friends will not punish you for skipping out on one measly social gathering.

4. Advocating for yourself includes setting financial boundaries. You may feel like you're being a bad friend when you first decide what is and isn't worth your time and money, but this is untrue.

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Brace yourself for this wild concept: Saying "no" does not equate to being a bad friend. (Let's say that louder for the people-pleasers in the back!) Fear not: You haven't lost your ability to be a stellar friend by setting personal boundaries. 

In fact, putting yourself first for a little while gives you the mental energy and the ability to invest in relationships in a healthier way. For example, maybe your love language is treating your friends to dinner. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, it can be detrimental to your bank account if you're doing this time and time again, with friend after friend, as a way to further friendships despite it being out of your budget. Create healthy financial boundaries! 

5. Just because you can afford something doesn't mean it's in your budget.

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We all have financial goals that we are are striving to achieve, and spending money on anything and everything we can technically afford without going into massive credit card debt doesn't have to be the norm.

If you're someone who has mastered the art of the monthly budget, pat yourself on the back. Stick to your guns when it comes to electing where to spend that extra "fun" money, and you will be rewarding yourself in the long run.

In the mind of a people-pleaser, saying "no" to even the smallest and silliest thing can be a source of anxiety. Standing up for your own needs can be as simple as suggesting to cook for a friend instead of spending money eating out.

6. Comparing financial situations can be damaging. Accept that everyone's money situation looks different, and embrace your own journey.

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We all have different interests, priorities, and salaries, and it took me an obscene amount of time to actually grasp that everyone's money story looks different. That old saying about comparison being the thief of joy rings true — if you're beating yourself up for not being able to afford something that others can, you're only hurting yourself.

You deserve to celebrate your financial wins, whether that be paying off credit card debt or just paying the rent. If you need a bit of encouragement, read these 12 signs that your finances are in better shape than you think.

7. Once you realize that you don't have to shower others with gifts and monetary experiences to gain their love and approval, you'll be much happier (and feel secure in who your real friends are)!

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Remember that example about treating your friends to dinner when you can't really afford it? The good news is that real friendships are not built on monetary gain. If you're treating your bestie to takeout because you can swing it and you feel like it, that kind of generosity is great! If your motive is because you feel insecure in a friendship, that's a different story.

Fortunately, there are plenty of affordable ways to grow relationships. If you have a friend who you bond with over movies, make bi-weekly movie nights at home a thing! Or perhaps you and a friend both have the kitchen skills of Carrie Bradshaw. Consider saving some money and attempting to cook a meal together.

Whatever your interests are, decide on some alternatives to going out and spending money so that you can still see the people you care about as frequently as you wish — without breaking the bank! You may just find that discovering new ways to invest in others breathes life into those relationships.

Do you struggle with people-pleasing behaviors? Let's talk about it in the comments.