How To Do Anything, According To eHow

Just follow these simple steps. The world’s greatest website, ladies and gentlemen.


“Random tattoos, piercings with things like giant safety pins and lots of black rubber jangly bracelets help cement the look.”


“Take turns describing the surroundings and ambiance: food, wine, decor, music.”


Only five steps! “Click “Update” to send the Tweet to everyone on Twitter.”


“A gangster does not try to imitate others. She looks at herself for who she is and accepts herself. So, above all else, if you want to be gangster, you must train yourself to love who you are and be your own unique self without striving for some stale imitation of what you think it is to be gangster.”


“Open your eyes wide. Open your mouth and breathe in so that you feel the air rushing in your mouth.”


“Ask your parents for a chat. Advise them that the topic will be moving out and prepare for resistance.”


“Try keeping your rough language under your breath. Although this can be hard for some loud talkers, the mumbled swear is less offensive to people around you, whether they’re right next to you or at the next table. The louder you swear, the more of a mess you might get into.”


“Know how to defend yourself. If you’re really good, you may never have to defend yourself, but if you ever have a bad day, a black belt in karate is a good backup plan.”

10. How to kiss

“If you’ve assessed the situation, and it seems probable that a kiss is imminent, the next things to think about are timing and approach. The key to nailing the pre kiss is matching your partner’s speed and intensity. The kiss is the first opportunity to physically connect with your partner, and so you want to meet him or her halfway.”


“Remember not to let pressure to lose your virginity force you into being sexually active—the risks aren’t worth it. Nothing will cramp your style more than changing diapers and a screaming baby to take care of. Not to mention, the guy will probably leave you once you get pregnant.”


“Portray a stereotype. Reality TV loves stereotypes, so be a dumb blonde, a ****, a backstabber or maybe a nerd.”


“When the ball is passed to your player, reach for it with the arm that gives you the most extension between your player and the flight of the ball.”


“Gay model can have many connotations, so it is important to decide ahead of time if you are willing to pose naked or in sexual acts. You can also model for things such as print campaigns and clothing.”


“Read the bible”


“Read through the membership agreement and click “‘I agree.’”


“Use a small GPS device for a young child. This could be in the form of a watch or perhaps a unit that is kept in a backpack. Typically a small GPS unit is powered by batteries and needs to be recharged every 24 hours.”


“Walk with your dominant leg straight and stiff. Lift your hip slightly as you walk, as if you are trying to keep you baggy pants from sliding down your thighs. When you take a step with your opposite leg, lunge slightly into a limp. To accentuate the authenticity of your gangsta limp, you may consider placing your hand on or over your groin as you limp.”


“Each time your teen shows disrespect in any way, first remind yourself to not take it personally. End teen disrespect by saying, “I do not tolerate being spoken to in that manner,” and do not respond to her until she begins behaving appropriately.”


“Act like a teenager yourself. Teens get really embarrassed when their parents don’t act their age. Put on a pair of rollerblades and show up at the park when your daughter is skating with her friends, or dance around the house and sing into a hair brush when she has her friends over.”


“Make sure the water bottle is always full! This is very important. Your pregnant rat should never be without water.”


“You can open these files after you’ve installed WinRAR by simply double-clicking on them.”


“Feel free to offer blunt wisdom and rag on her for putting on a tacky outfit.”


“Commit to a life of individual responsibility realizing that existence proceeds essence and faith is available as a personal choice, but that commitment to whatever personal choice you make is your greatest weapon against fear, dread and anxiety.”


“For example, tell your kids you want to pretend like you are on a farm and get down on your hands and knees on the floor. Tell them you are all pretending to be farm animals and join them in mooing, oinking and cockadoodle-doing.”


“Many movies (especially Hugh Grant films) can be useful in helping you to sound more authentic through colloquial language.”


“Know that the devil is real and involved in this situation. There is a satanic force behind all negative situations.”


“Press the “R2” button to seize Satan and continue your fight until another set of circles appear, but this time are moving.”


“In its first step, Epicurus states, “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.” This is a fairly easy one: God is either able to prevent evil, or not.”


“Explain that a universe so complex and vast simply cannot come from nothing”


“Realize the lack of supernatural power of the Harry Potter series. Look for instances in the book where the mechanical spells do not lead to contact with the supernatural world.”


“Work with your lawyer to identify a defense strategy that you’ll use to try to create reasonable doubt in the minds of the jury members… Call the character of prosecution witnesses into question as much as you possibly can.”


“Take off your shoes”


“Cry whenever you feel like it. It is okay to cry.”


“Wear your fedora tilted forward so the brim is near your eyebrows. You may also wear it slightly askew. Add a personal touch to your fedora by adding a feather.”


“Try reading in bed. Don’t read anything exciting.”


“To be an adult does not mean giving up a fun-loving personality, but to recognize and address ones obligations and responsibilities to oneself and others.”


“As you exhale, wrap your arms around your body. Imagine that you are delivering all that goodness, positive energy and love straight to your heart.”


“Get chemotherapy or radiation to kill the cancer cells.”


“Look at the water. If large bubbles are rising from the bottom of the pot to the surface, the water is boiling.”


“Let the song flow through you and feel the beat with your feet. Move your feet to the music as your body dances to the sound.”


“Follow the laws and ordinances in your community.”


“You can win a stare-down with a cat. Even an adult cat. Even an adult cat who’s used to winning stare-downs with humans. The result of winning a stare-down with a cat is usually that the cat will stalk away.”


“Insert one end of the tool into the gap under the latch. Using leverage, push down and try to pry the trunk open.”


“If you see your mother every day, hug her every day. If you see her once a week, hug her at least three times during your visit to see her.”


“Start at the beginning, unfolding only necessary information in logical fashion. Write in active voice, not passive. Keep your copy lean, eliminating extraneous words. Keep it simple and methodical.”


“Find an educational resource. You want to learn something new, so you need something from which to learn it.”


“Let the hair grow and shave around the area.”


“First, take your fingers and rub them all around your scalp, giving yourself a nice thorough head massage.”


“Weigh the bird.”


“Eat the right foods.”


“See a doctor to determine the type of rash you have.”


“Stay positive even if the road gets tough, and you’ll be that much closer to achieving success.”


“Feel the pain of your failure.”


“Fill in the grave. If you’re burying your dog at a pet cemetery that fills the grave in for you, toss a handful of earth into the grave to help symbolize the closure of your relationship with him.”


“Understand that sociopaths are not always violent, but that the possibility exists.”


“Receive a bone marrow transplant”


“Sexually suggestive remarks or touching are inappropriate among co-workers.”


“Impress him with your class and charm. Libra men love classy women.”


“Appeal to his senses with your sensuous voice, fragrance, clothing and appearance.”


“Bat house size and location are very important. Make sure your bat house is at least two feet deep and 14 inches wide. It must also have a 6-8 inch extension on the bottom. Why? Landing platform.”


“1) Hide your double chin by resting your chin on your hands, arms or shoulders. 2) Stretch your chin area by turning away from the main light. 3) Extend your chin and lower your entire face.”


“Select your Pokemon folder and press the “Enter” key. Your Pokemon game will launch.”


“Choose bands that match your outfits. When you wear braces, the orthodontist will let you choose the color of band you want placed around the brackets.”


“Apply the Kool-Aid paste to your dry hair. Do not wet your hair first.”


“Avoid eating salty food after crying.”


“Hit a heavy bag with a predetermined series of punches as fast as you possibly can for a short period of time.”


“Tell a higher-up at the office. It can be a good idea either to speak to your company’s human resources (HR) department or directly to the offending person’s supervisor or boss.”


“Shower regularly.”


“Complete six grueling years of residency in neurosurgery, your chosen specialty.”


“Take off any shoes, socks, sandals or slippers you may be wearing.”


“If you have a gluten allergy, do not wear or attempt to make a papier-mache mask. Instead, iron fusible interfacing to the underside of your faux fur and mold the mask from that.”


“Draw two circles above the snout, one on each side of the snout. These are the eyes of your dog. Draw a pair of sunglasses on the dog to make it really cool.”

I decided to try this one. Iollowed the instructions exactly:


“Use a sound that rises in pitch to lead into the bass drop. A rising sound indicates to the listener that a new section of the track is beginning, and builds anticipation for the bass drop.”


“Now, relax the hand around the armpit, so that it is not too tense and with as much force as you can muster, flap your wing.”


“Spray or pour coyote, wolf or fox urine on and around the deck.”


“Respect the Amish work schedule. The Amish, primarily farmers, work intensely in the spring, summer and fall.”


“Check that the cheesecake has a firm but wobbly center”


“Sing scales and arpeggios, using sounds like “de” and “doo” and “dut.”“


“Slow down.”


“Click on the drop-down menu three boxes to the right of the “Date of Birth” in order to change the year to whichever year that you would like MySpace to display as the year in which you were born.”


“Carefully place the bones being identified on the flat surface.”


“Wear horizontal lines on top because horizontal lines create the illusion of a shorter torso.”


“Do a search for “online research jobs” or “find web surfer jobs” for a list of companies that offer this type of employment.”



That’s it! Go forth into the world. You’re ready for anything.

Thanks to Katie Notopoulos and Brian Feldman for the many, many suggestions.

Check out more articles on!

Now Buzzing