“A gangster does not try to imitate others. She looks at herself for who she is and accepts herself. So, above all else, if you want to be gangster, you must train yourself to love who you are and be your own unique self without striving for some stale imitation of what you think it is to be gangster.”
“Try keeping your rough language under your breath. Although this can be hard for some loud talkers, the mumbled swear is less offensive to people around you, whether they’re right next to you or at the next table. The louder you swear, the more of a mess you might get into.”
10. How to kiss
“If you’ve assessed the situation, and it seems probable that a kiss is imminent, the next things to think about are timing and approach. The key to nailing the pre kiss is matching your partner’s speed and intensity. The kiss is the first opportunity to physically connect with your partner, and so you want to meet him or her halfway.”
“Remember not to let pressure to lose your virginity force you into being sexually active—the risks aren’t worth it. Nothing will cramp your style more than changing diapers and a screaming baby to take care of. Not to mention, the guy will probably leave you once you get pregnant.”
“Walk with your dominant leg straight and stiff. Lift your hip slightly as you walk, as if you are trying to keep you baggy pants from sliding down your thighs. When you take a step with your opposite leg, lunge slightly into a limp. To accentuate the authenticity of your gangsta limp, you may consider placing your hand on or over your groin as you limp.”
“Act like a teenager yourself. Teens get really embarrassed when their parents don’t act their age. Put on a pair of rollerblades and show up at the park when your daughter is skating with her friends, or dance around the house and sing into a hair brush when she has her friends over.”
“If you see your mother every day, hug her every day. If you see her once a week, hug her at least three times during your visit to see her.”
“Weigh the bird.”
“Sexually suggestive remarks or touching are inappropriate among co-workers.”
“Do a search for “online research jobs” or “find web surfer jobs” for a list of companies that offer this type of employment.”
That’s it! Go forth into the world. You’re ready for anything.
Thanks to Katie Notopoulos and Brian Feldman for the many, many suggestions.
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