20 Things That Would Be Different If Disneyland Were Realistic
"Welcome to the Happiest Place on... Eh, who are we kidding? Just give us your money."
1. The price of admission would say, "One Arm, One Leg."
2. The parking structure would be named the "Mickey Has Too Many Goddamn Friends" parking lot.
3. The Fastpass would be called the Fuckyoupass so that when you pass everyone in the regular line they know its a personal fuck you to them.
4. The Jungle Cruise tour guides would break down after telling the same joke for the millionth time, then jump overboard.
5. The Indiana Jones ride would be called, "Indiana Jones and the Ride that is Perpetually Broken."
6. The face characters would tell kids, "If you sneeze into your hand and touch me, I SWEAR TO GOD…"
7. Also, the Princesses would tell all the leering dads, "Hey, bud. Eyes up here!"
8. Meanwhile, the costume characters would be allowed to constantly complain about how their suits are hot as balls.
9. The gift shops would all be called "You Can Get All This Shit Cheaper At Target But You're Here So Fuck You."
10. Everyone in line for It's a Small World would realize how much this ride blows, then get on anyway because at least it is long and their feet hurt.
11. The dancers in the parade would be allowed to tell unimpressed audience members, "Well then why don't you get up here, you bum!"
12. Fantasyland would be renamed "Frustrated Parent Land."
13. The Enchanted Tiki Room would be called the "Free Air Conditioning and Sitting" Room."
14. Every crying child would wear a t-shirt that says, "I don't deserve to be here."
15. Every person who orders clam chowder WITHOUT a bread bowl would wear a t-shirt that says, "I don't deserve to be here."
16. 3 pm would be designated the Dole Whip hour, where everyone must stop what they are doing and get a Dole Whip, because this is what everyone seems to do already.
17. The petting zoo would have a disclaimer that after visiting you will smell like hay and sheep poop for the rest of the day.
18. Club 33 members would have to wear a badge letting everyone know how much better than the rest of us they think they are.
19. Strollers and scooters would have their own designated walkways, insuring the safety of ankles across the park.
20. The fireworks at the end of the night would spell "Now go the fuck home."