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50 Thoughts Everyone Has When They Find Out They Are Lactose Intolerant

"But I hate margarine."

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1. Well, just got the news. No more dairy for me.

2. I suddenly feel very, very sad.

3. At least now I know what was giving me trouble.

4. This will be good for me. Dairy isn't natural for people to eat, I heard, or someone told me, or I saw it. I don't know.

5. I just wish I could've said goodbye.

6. Time to get rid of some food, then. ::: opens fridge :::


7. Goodbye, leftover lasagna.

8. Goodbye, just-bought pint of Cherry Garcia.

9. Goodbye, frozen jalapeño poppers.

10. Goodbye, cheese.

11. Shit, that means no more milk and cookies.

12. ::: sheds single tear :::

13. And no more… pizza.

14. ::: sobs uncontrollably :::

15. I blame my genes for this. Which one of you did this to me, Mom and Dad?!

16. How will I go on? How will I ever eat ever again?

17. Dairy is in everything!

18. I mean, what doesn't have dairy in it? Lettuce?

19. Does this make me vegan now?

20. Wait, meat doesn't have dairy.

21. Dodged that bullet.

22. But what about butter?

23. I have to stock up on margarine now.

24. But I hate margarine.

25. Will my friends hate me?

26. Probably.


27. Now I have to, like, worry about ingredients.

28. I wonder what else I should worry about.

29. ::: Googles "things that have dairy in them" :::

30. This is worse than I expected.

31. What exactly are casein and whey and why are they in EVERYTHING? Dairy, you are a crafty devil.

32. Holy crap. I totally forgot about mac and cheese.

33. Maybe I've been misdiagnosed. I should test it one more time.

34. ::: takes bite of leftover lasagna :::

35. See, that wasn't so — uh oh.

36. ::: immediately farts, then wails for ten minutes :::

37. I'm not even that old!

38. This is so unfair.

39. I'm a good person! What did I do to deserve this?

40. I don't want to have to buy Lactaid.

41. People will see me taking it and know I'm a fart monster.

42. Aha! This is all a ploy by Lactaid to make money from fart monsters like me!

43. But Lactaid might help, so...

44. ::: goes on Amazon, orders Lactaid :::

45. In the meantime, I guess I'll just not eat dairy.

46. Think of it as a fresh start! With less gassiness and frequent trips to the toilet! It will be worth it!

47. ::: looks at food to get rid of :::

48. Eh, I can deal with cheese farts and acid reflux for a few days.

49. ::: puts jalapeño poppers in the microwave, eats a big bite of Cherry Garcia :::