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    Nov 7, 2014

    Here's What Happens When Two Dudes Watch A Renee Zellweger Movie

    We watched Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason so you don't have to.

    by ,
    Miramax / Via rottentomatoes.com

    Once again stepping out of our comfort zones, we — Justin and Norberto, two BuzzFeed writers — chose to watch another movie that we normally would never watch in a million years. Unfortunately, Bridget Jones's Diary is unavailable on Netflix, but for some reason Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is. So we said, "Fuck it," and decided to skip to the sequel anyway.

    The movie is about a lady named Bridget, played by Renee "They'll never take Cold Mountain" Zellweger, who is dating some dude named Mark Darcy, played by Colin "Look at the wide range of emotion on my face" Firth. Basically, it's about Jones second-guessing herself and progressively getting lower and lower self-esteem. It's a real comedy riot! And there's a Thai prison involved! Hooray!

    Seriously, don't be like us and watch this movie. But in case you're curious, here is our tale of watching this horrible waste of talent.

    Before the movie started, we discussed what we thought it would be about.

    Justin Abarca: I think she was supposed to be frumpy in the first movie. Maybe she still is? Also, I think the first one was based on Pride and Prejudice.

    Norberto Briceño: Man, Colin Firth is Mr. Darcy in everything.

    JA: Is the book a romantic comedy?

    NB: I dunno. All I know is that she gained weight for the movie and has a British accent.

    JA: Oh, and Hugh Grant is in it.

    NB: Oh, duh.

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    JA: ::a little too excited:: There's the diary!

    The movie starts with Bridget being sexually assaulted by her uncle in front of the rest of her family.

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    NB: Was that her uncle touching her ass?

    JA: I think so. Everyone seems OK with it.

    Both: ::confused stares::

    But, alas! Mr. Darcy is there so she pays her pervy relative no mind.

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    NB: Dat Darcy head turn, yo.

    Bridget works as a "journalist" who's forced to skydive for live television. She's scared shitless, has never skydived before, and has a fear of heights.

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    When her boss yells at her through an earpiece to jump, she responds, "I'm trying to find a soft spot to land on." To which he replies in the most dick way possible:

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    JA: She looks like a normal woman. if you didn't tell me she gained weight I would have never guessed.

    NB: Why are they forcing her to skydive? This has to be the worst job ever.

    JA: She should be tandem jumping with an instructor, right?

    NB: Man, England has lax skydiving rules.

    Pretty much everyone she works with is a complete and utter dick.

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    JA: Why is everyone so mean to her?

    NB: That's how you create sympathy for a character. BTW, England is full of assholes, according to this movie.

    At least she has The King's Speech to come home to at the end of the day.

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    JA: I do not get Colin Firth as a sexy guy.

    NB: Not gonna lie, he's charming me. The way he's been introduced so far makes him the most charming man in the world.

    Hugh Grant is introduced, and he is a smarmy asshole. The jury is still out on if he knew the cameras were rolling or not.

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    JA: I'm already more charmed by Hugh Grant.

    NB: They're equally charming, OK?

    We are then introduced to Bridget's awful friends.

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    JA: Hey, that's Moaning Myrtle! And the dude from Battlestar Galactica!

    NB: Who's the other lady?

    JA: I dunno.

    This is the first of many times Bridget will barge into a room and discover there are people there she wasn't expecting. Seriously, it happens like a billion times.

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    JA: It's Jacinda from The Real World: London!

    NB: Who?

    Later, they go to a dinner for lawyers, or solicitors, well, whatever they're called in the U.K.

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    NB: DARCY TURN!

    We happen to find this shot very intriguing.

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    NB: That's a great shot of white people.

    Before heading into the fancy dinner, Bridget has to down some liquid courage, since she has...

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    There is then a law/pop culture trivia challenge. Bridget incorrectly guesses the winning question and embarrasses Darcy.

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    NB: Is he pissed she got that Madonna question wrong?

    JA: Duh, Norberto! Everyone knows the correct answer is "Holiday" and not "Lucky Star."

    Bridget witnesses a rather awkward good-bye between Darcy and his assistant?

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    JA: Is she his assistant? What does she do exactly?

    NB: I don't know. All I know is that that neck touch is like, "Daaaamn."

    On their way home, Bridget sort of breaks up with Darcy because he didn't stick up for her with his snooty friends.

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    JA: Did she diss him for folding his underpants? I fold my underpants.

    However, they almost immediately get back together, with Darcy giving her this charming compliment.

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    NB: Did he just say "wobbly bits?"

    JA: SHE DOESN'T HAVE WOBBLY BITS!

    Then, right when you think Mr. Darcy is going to propose, he invites her on a "skiing mini-break," which is like the whitest thing ever.

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    JA: What the fuck is skiing mini-break?

    NB: I don't know, but I want to go on one.

    While on the trip, Bridget thinks that she has become pregnant since her and Darcy have been boning non-stop for eight weeks.

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    JA: Eight weeks of undisturbed sex?

    NB: Why does that mean she's pregnant?

    JA: Oh, I think she should've had her period in that time? I have no idea how women's bodies work.

    She tells Darcy she may be pregnant and he smiles. FYI, this is the only time Firth smiles in the movie. THE. WHOLE. MOVIE.

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    NB: This movie was good until they went skiing.

    JA: I guess you can say ::in David Caruso voice:: "It was all downhill from there."

    Both: ::high fiving::

    At one point, Mr. Darcy explains his wishes for his not-yet-born son to go to "Rich Boy" boarding school. When Bridget argues that he should stay at home, he goes on a rant:

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    JA: That was the most conservative argument against alternative schooling ever.

    NB: That sounds like the greatest alternative schooling ever.

    To keep the "plot" moving, Bridget and Darcy break up soon after returning from the ski trip.

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    During their argument, Bridget decides to throw out this piece of evidence for Darcy being a shit.

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    JA: Again with the underpants. What does she have against folding your underwear? It maximizes space!

    But before she leaves, she asks a really bold question:

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    NB: That's not a fair question. Chill, homegirl.

    JA: Especially as a dude, that's a really loaded question.

    Bridget and Hugh have to work with each other. But because Hugh is a giant fucking asshole, he makes fun of Bridget for not knowing where Germany is. Bridget's dick colleagues find this funny and laugh. But Bridget makes a witty comeback:

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    Both: Hahahaha.

    Little does she know that Hugh also has a comeback:

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    Both: WHAT A DICK!

    Bridget and Hugh go to Thailand because why the fuck not. Bridget takes along her bestie, who sits next to this dude on the plane:

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    NB: This is what happens when Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. have a baby.

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    While in Thailand, Hugh starts dropping some serious mac on Bridget, like reciting poetry and shit.

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    JA: He's the anti-Darcy.

    NB: If you squint really hard, he looks like the British Matthew McConaughey.

    Bridget consumes hallucinogenic mushrooms, provided by her bestie's new beau, Jude Downey Jr. So she starts shrooming.

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    NB: She's a horrible friend. The bestie just met the dude on the plane and is already letting him drug up her best friend. WTF, friend?

    But then, she's OK like 30 minutes later and having dinner with Hugh.

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    JA: Whoever wrote this has never done magic mushrooms.

    NB: Just saying... they last a lot longer than that.

    Bridget and Hugh make it up to his balcony, where he goes in for the kill.

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    NB: This guy may be an asshole, but he knows how to close.

    He gets really excited about Bridget's giant panties and proceeds to talk to them.

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    JA: I'm guessing the giant panties were in the previous movie?

    But before the action can get hot and heavy, a call girl interrupts, which kinda rubs Bridget the wrong way.

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    Both: Ooooooooooh.

    Finding himself stuck in a pickle, Hugh tries to make the best out of the situation:

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    Both: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    As Bridget is packing to leave Thailand, her bestie is trying to fit a "fertility snake bowl" Jude Downey Jr. gifted her in her bag, but it doesn't fit. Bridget is like, "give it to me. It fits in my bag."

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    Both: ...

    But that was a bad idea, because the "fertility snake bowl" was impregnated with cocaine.

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    Both: Huh?

    So, Thailand's finest thought it would be best to send this cocaine smuggler to jail.

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    JA: WTF? Is she in Thai prison now?

    NB: Her friend is the worst friend ever. Bridget was nice enough to take her friend to Thailand and her friend fucks her over. Fuck you, bestie.

    JA: This movie just became Brokedown Palace.

    Even in Thailand, the British are dicks.

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    But Mr. Darcy arrives to save the day.

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    NB: HE TURNED AGAIN!

    JA: LOLOLOLOLO

    But even though he sets her free, Mr. Darcy is like, "Naw, yo. You don't mean shit to me."

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    NB: Dat stare.

    Mr. Darcy confronts Hugh and is like, "Throw down, brah."

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    No punches are thrown.

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    Both: SMDH.

    When Bridget shows up at Darcy's to win him back, she sees the assistant (?), who professes she has no interest in him, but has in fact been in love with Bridget the entire movie.

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    JA: What the...? It's like The Sixth Sense, but with lesbianism.

    After fleeing the clutches of that gorgeous lesbian, Bridget once again barges into a room and is surprised that there are people in there.

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    NB: Now she's just wasting taxpayers' money.

    Finally, after almost blowing it once again, Bridget convinces Darcy to marry her.

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    NB: There is no reason for them to get married. This movie was good for about 30 minutes, but never recovered after the skiing mini-break. Also, everyone in England is an asshole. Even your friends are assholes.

    JA: I was really hoping the movie would just end with them being lesbians. Oh well, maybe in the sequel.

    NB: Don't get me wrong. I love all three actors in this. But the script was fucking awful.

    JA: Yeah, this movie should've been called Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reasonable Script Choices.

    Even though this movie was awful, we'll always have this moment:

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