Continuing our foray into movies we would never normally watch, we – Justin and Norberto, two BuzzFeed writers – decided to tackle the 2003 romantic comedy The Wedding Planner. The film stars Jennifer "My Love Don't Cost a Thing" Lopez and Matthew "All right All right All right" McConaughey.
Basically, the movie is about a wedding planner named Mary (Lopez) who is rescued from a runaway dumpster by a doctor named Steve (McConaughey), both of who apparently get turned on by near-death experiences. But – hold on to your butts! – unbeknownst to Mary, Steve ends up being the groom of the bride whose wedding she is planning. What a conundrum!
Ugh. This movie is the worst and here is what happened as we watched it.
The movie starts with J.Lo convincing a bride that her marriage will be awesome. It is also the introduction of her power bun.
Justin Abarca: I wonder how that marriage ended…
Norberto Briceño: ZING!
To illustrate just how prepared and good at her job she is, J.Lo medicates a nervous father of the bride-to-be.
JA: She literally has it labeled as "sedatives."
After the wedding, J.Lo goes home to her apartment to eat salad and watch Antiques Roadshow in high-waisted jeans.
JA: I think this is supposed to be the sad, single girl montage.
NB: Is she sad? She lives in a giant apartment in San Francisco and she's drinking wine. Sad is a little farfetched. I have no sympathy for her.
JA: Everything in her apartment is tan.
NB: It's the tannest fucking apartment I've ever seen.
While J.Lo is visiting her dad, we're introduced to Massimo, an Italian dude her dad wants her to marry.
JA: Hey, it's that the guy from Mad Men.
NB: No. I think that's Chris Pratt.
JA: Nope his name is Justin Chambers. He's on Grey's Anatomy.
On her way to do something that doesn't move the plot forward, J.Lo gets her shoe stuck in a manhole cover and is saved just in the nick of time from a runaway dumpster by the guy from True Detective.
JA: DAT PAGER ACTION!
NB: Is she going to risk her life for her shoe?
JA: They're Gucci.
NB: Oh. OK.
After Dallas Buyers Club saves her by crushing her with his body, J.Lo ends up in a children's hospital bed with a neck brace.
NB: Why is she in a hospital bed? Nothing happened to her!
JA: Matt did not follow protocol at all.
NB: Imagine if she didn't have any health insurance. She would've been screwed.
Later, J.Lo and Mud go to an outdoor movie on a non-date. Matt only eats brown M&M's because chocolate is already brown and he’s not consuming the color additives and blah blah blah.
NB: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
JA: QUIT WASTING M&M's!!!
J.Lo and Matt get up and dance in the middle of their outdoor movie date and proceed to... flirt.
NB: Did he just really say that?
Like, really... flirt.
NB: Is he for real?
JA: He's asserting his dominance.
NB: What a dick!
We learn that J.Lo is planning this woman's wedding, who's super important and rich.
NB: HOLY SHIT! THAT'S SONYA BLADE FROM MORTAL KOMBAT!!
Problem is, Sonya Blade is marrying... that's right... THIS GUY:
JA: Wait, Matt was about to cheat?
NB: MATT IS A FUCKING DICK!
JA: What an asshole!
In the midst of all this chaos, we spot this 2000s gem in the movie.
JA: HEY! AN OLD SCHOOL iMAC!
Even though J.Lo is conflicted about planning this wedding, she carries on because Sonya Blade is super important and rich. This forces Matt to deliver this incredibly gentlemanly defense for his douchiness:
BOTH: WHAT A DICK!
Sonya Blade and Matt decide to get married at this park.
JA: That's a nice park.
For some reason, it's revealed that Massimo drives a Vespa.
JA: Italian on a Vespa.
There's a scene where J.Lo and Matt accidentally knock over an expensive statue and break its limestone penis. They try gluing it back on with crazy glue.
JA: They just fucking redid a scene from The Goonies!!!
J.Lo shows off her impressive acting technique.
At some point in the movie, Massimo is like, "Yo. I don't want anything romantic. I just wanna be your friend." And J.Lo is like, "Aight. Whatever." But then he decides to ignore her wishes and propose anyway using a dollhouse.
JA: YES! JUST MARRY HIM!
NB: Wait. No. The guy may be less of a dick than Matt but he's still a dick. What's wrong with just waiting? Why is she being rushed into getting married?
J.Lo responds to Massimo's proposal by doing this:
When we finally get to the big wedding day, Matt asks Sonya Blade (out of nowhere), "Why you wanna marry me?" And Sonya Blade is like, "Actually, I don't know." So Matt puts Sonya Blade in a cab and sends her off to God knows where.
NB: Why did he put her in a cab?
JA: WHERE IS SHE GOING?
NB: Tahiti or some bullshit?
While this is happening, J.Lo goes off to City Hall to marry Massimo, because she just HAD to pick the same date as Sonya Blade's wedding.
But she also bails on Massimo, and then Matt arrives at City Hall, goes up to J.Lo's dad and is like, "Yo, I wanna marry your daughter." And the dad, WHO'S NEVER MET MATT BEFORE, is like, "Cool."
NB: Worst dad ever.
JA: Look at that hand acting.
NB: This movie should be called People Wasting Other People's Time.
JA: That's Moe Greene from The Godfather!
Massimo is nice enough to give Matt a ride on his Vespa to go meet the woman WHO JUST DUMPED HIM AT THE ALTAR.
NB: He doesn't even have the common courtesy to hand him back his helmet.
JA: What a dick.
Finally, Interstellar finds J.Lo wasting M&M's just like he was earlier, thus informing the viewer they are meant to be, or some bullshit like that. The end, thank God.
JA: When you're rich and white, basically you can do everything and nothing is your fault… even when it is. Also, I don't understand why she needed to be Italian.
NB: Wait, Matt never tells Sonya Blade that he's in love with J.Lo?
JA: So, she's going to come back from Tahiti and be like, "So, who's Matt with? Oh, my fucking wedding planner?!"
Both: That's fucked up.