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30 Secrets Baristas Won't Tell You

Mo Lattes Mo Problems.

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1. If you want your name spelled correctly, just tell us. We won't be offended.

That way you aren't mad when I yell out, "Snarf, your latte is ready!"

2. Asking for add-ons AFTER your drink is made will get you universally loathed.

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I know it's only a 10 cents add-on, but that's not the point.

3. There is never really 2% milk.

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You mean I have to get the non-fat out the fridge, then get the whole, mix them together, measure them out equally... nah, you can have what's in the pitcher.

4. People who order dry cappuccinos are the worst human beings on the planet.

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5. People who know exactly what they want are the best human beings on the planet.

Bless you.
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Bless you.

6. As much as we love your patronage, this is not your office.

I know your screenplay is important and all, but I really need to clean your table now, so...

7. It's not that we can't break that $20, we just don't want to open the drawer, and we're not a bank.


Also, the fact that you're not buying anything doesn't make me want to do you any favors.

8. The blender is the bane of our existence, especially when we're busy.


Not only do I have to stop what I'm doing to make your dumb frozen whatever, but I also have to clean it after. So, thanks for that.

9. If you want to order a "Venti" there's a Starbucks down the corner.

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And no, I won't put your drink in your Starbucks mug either.

10. Also, if you only visit Starbucks, you have no idea what a macchiato actually is.

20th Century Fox


11. Extra hot drinks actually ruin the milk.

What are you even tasting? Sulfur?

12. The smell that half-and-half creamer elicits when making a breve drink is like a burning Roman Empire.

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And I'm pretty sure the smell it produces is against health code regulations.

13. The holidays mean holiday drinks, which means horrible concoctions we are forced to make.

Oh, and there's nothing wrong about asking for a pumpkin spice latte in June, just don't be surprised when I tell you that we haven't had that on the menu since February.

14. No, I don't have to work very hard to keep myself from drinking and eating everything in sight.


The thrill vanishes after your 75th day of the same pastry.

15. There is nothing more baffling than customers who order decaf Americanos.


Like, what is your life about? Are you Illuminati?

16. I'm sorry I don't care to talk about your life at 6 a.m.

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If I'm making YOUR coffee, in all likelihood I've yet to have any.

17. We're not all accomplished latte artists.

Thanks for the expectations, Pinterest!

18. We can mainline coffee like we're Sid Vicious.

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Just pop open a vein and GO.

19. We couldn't care less if you don't like the music that is playing.


Because, A) we are forced to play it by management, or B) we chose it because we want to listen to it. Point being, either way it's not getting changed.

20. The worst possible time to tell me how you want your drink made is AFTER I've made it.

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Oh, I know, you just want that soy milk for free. Got it.

21. Somehow, the only people left in America who prefer to talk on the phone instead of text can ONLY do it in line.


Are you helping Obama with his ISIS strategy or nah?

22. Regulars who never tip will be served as slow as possible.

It's awesome that you think we're pals, but I'd trade our friendship in for a few bucks every now and then.

23. You've got to be a special kind of lazy to ask me to put your Splenda in your drink for you.


Can you not? No, literally. Are you physically unable to?

24. The time to ask about merchandise is probably not when there's a line out the door.

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That thing underneath the item? It's a price tag.

25. Yes, I do mind when you barge in 30 seconds before we lock the doors exclaiming, "Made it just in time!"

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You probably show up when movies have already started, don't you?

26. We know it was you who destroyed the bathroom.

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It's fine, we've all done it. Just don't use all the toilet paper next time, OK?

27. You realize that I'd get fired if I told you that I don't like the food here, right?

ABC Family

Do you really think I just tried the quiche at 5:30 a.m. while I was setting up the store?

28. You should blame yourself for not coming earlier if we run out of something.


I can tell you where the pastries DON'T come from. It's not out of Mary Poppins' fucking bag!

29. You know what we do to really annoying customers? They get decaf.

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Tastes like vengeance to me!

30. We dread the site of seeing interns/assistants/gophers walking through the door.

Oh, you need to pay for these all on different transactions AND you need a carrier? #FML

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