1. If you want your name spelled correctly, just tell us. We won't be offended.
2. Asking for add-ons AFTER your drink is made will get you universally loathed.
3. There is never really 2% milk.
4. People who order dry cappuccinos are the worst human beings on the planet.
5. People who know exactly what they want are the best human beings on the planet.
6. As much as we love your patronage, this is not your office.
7. It's not that we can't break that $20, we just don't want to open the drawer, and we're not a bank.
8. The blender is the bane of our existence, especially when we're busy.
9. If you want to order a "Venti" there's a Starbucks down the corner.
10. Also, if you only visit Starbucks, you have no idea what a macchiato actually is.
11. Extra hot drinks actually ruin the milk.
12. The smell that half-and-half creamer elicits when making a breve drink is like a burning Roman Empire.
13. The holidays mean holiday drinks, which means horrible concoctions we are forced to make.
14. No, I don't have to work very hard to keep myself from drinking and eating everything in sight.
15. There is nothing more baffling than customers who order decaf Americanos.
16. I'm sorry I don't care to talk about your life at 6 a.m.
17. We're not all accomplished latte artists.
18. We can mainline coffee like we're Sid Vicious.
19. We couldn't care less if you don't like the music that is playing.
20. The worst possible time to tell me how you want your drink made is AFTER I've made it.
21. Somehow, the only people left in America who prefer to talk on the phone instead of text can ONLY do it in line.
22. Regulars who never tip will be served as slow as possible.
23. You've got to be a special kind of lazy to ask me to put your Splenda in your drink for you.
24. The time to ask about merchandise is probably not when there's a line out the door.
25. Yes, I do mind when you barge in 30 seconds before we lock the doors exclaiming, "Made it just in time!"
26. We know it was you who destroyed the bathroom.
27. You realize that I'd get fired if I told you that I don't like the food here, right?
28. You should blame yourself for not coming earlier if we run out of something.
29. You know what we do to really annoying customers? They get decaf.
