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30 Unexpected Things You Learn In Your Thirties

Oh, twenties, you're adorable.

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1. You constantly forget that you're not in your twenties anymore.

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After college, the years just sort of start to blend together. So, in a way, you are perennially 22 years old mentally, and often financially.

2. People start to think there is something LEGITIMATELY wrong with you if you are single.

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Just because you are in your thirties doesn't mean you have to be married. Explaining that to your parents, on the other hand, is a whole other ordeal.

3. Your middle name should be "Busy," since that is what you are all the time now.

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What with all the housewarmings, kid birthday parties, traveling, and work, you barely have time to remember to eat. J/K, eating becomes your new best friend. I love you, Cherry Garcia.


12. Hangovers will destroy you.

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You used to drink everyone under the table. Now you're just under the table trying to figure out how you got so wasted off of two Amstel Lights.


15. Your back will hurt for no damn reason.

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You go to sleep on the eve of your 30th birthday with a healthy, youthful back, and awaken the next morning with the back of an 85-year-old carrot farmer.


22. Somehow you are now a person with answers.

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When that intern at work asks what they need to look for in renting their first apartment, you will have actual advice. Actual. Sage. Advice.


25. The only dancing you will do is at weddings and work parties.

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Clubs? Those are for the youth and people desperately clinging to what they have left of their own.

26. Plus, dancing all night requires multiple water breaks.

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In your twenties you could dance all night, slamming shot after shot while living la dolce vita. Now it's "I need another water. Can I get you another water?" as you slink off the dance floor drenched in sweat.

27. Talk of cool new bars and bands is replaced with talk of mortgage refinancing and preschool applications.


Yeah, it may seem mundane, but seriously, how did you get little Kevin into that preschool?

28. The repercussions of your twenties will catch up with you.

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Those credit card offers seemed so reasonable at the time. So did the trip to Europe you used them on. Now you're stuck paying for a trip that was ultimately "just OK."

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